Okay, now it deserves its own drawer in my brain: some people, for some reason, become really upset with me. And it seems that to them it seems that I have been doing some things intentionally, knowing it will result in them almost hating me, while on some occasions the only way in which I found out that they really dislike me was through other people. There have been situations where I actually quite liked the person who turned out could not stand me. Is this not a bit ..weird? Why does it happen? I mean, I understand when someone does not like someone, but in that case it seems I often cause quite intensive and pro-active feelings of dislike, and that person instead of avoiding me, stays around, as if they enjoyed having a scapegoat. It seems people are either amazed by me (usually at the beginning, and most often men), or hate me (both later and from the beginning, almost exclusively women). That does not really leave any time window for making friends, or worse, finding a life partner.
I know one thing for sure, even though may people tried to convince me that they know better what I think than I do: I want people to be happy, and I sincerely care about each single one of them being happy, even if they hate me, even if they have different opinions, values, and way of life. There was only 1 exception in my life when I actually didn't wish anything good to someone, and that was my abusive ex. And even this has already changed by now.
So what kind of self image do I get from what people told me? Someone who is arrogant, ignorant, does not care about other people, sees everything from their own perspective, and wants everyone around to cater to them and with a big feeling of hurt. Quite an immature big girl. Am I so? I really don't know. I am tired of asking myself this question. It does not get me anywhere.
Why are people so quick to judge? It makes me sick. Why everything that is against what they want, becomes morally wrong? Why so few people and so rarely self reflect? Why so few people think about where their life is going, and where the lives of all the people going, collectively? When I was a kid, there was some ideal about how things should be and what to strive for, and when this was not respected, I used to think that I just need to wait until the children grow up and become less primitive. But now it's getting to me that it becomes even worse with age. Nothing is how it should be, and if I try to do things right, to care about the feelings of others, to optimize my behavior, I am called all the negative things. I think I was only not yet called jealous from the negative words. Can it be that I am all the negative things, when I spend so much time self analyzing and trying to be better?

I am really fed up with this. Maybe this is what needs to happen, maybe I just need to snap.