I bet many of them are emotionally unstable. They have their emotions inside out: what they should keep in they puke outside and what they should have inside they don't have. That's why we love them so much. Artists. Singers. They can puke their emotions out on us which makes us feel like we're inside. But we are not. Neither are they. They don't hang out on the inside of themselves, that's how they end up on the dissociation side. It seems that for humans one way or another the emotions have to be there, whether installed normally or pathologically.
A real kiss at the festival ground. I had to keep reminding myself two things: stay real and stay assertive. This is so freaking hard to do at the same time! To acknowledge that there is another living person, not an avatar, and not get freaked out by this fact! I'm grateful for that experience. It lets me dig deeper into my issues. For now I definitely have one crucial conclusion: I have been sick. The way I saw other people, especially in romantic or sexual context, has been sick, and I did not know about it! I feel that in this area am at the development stage of a teenager. How could have ever built a relationship with that capabilities? No wonder it never worked out.. So what I have to address:
  • Not be afraid to set boundaries instead of jumping into black and white thinking of a movie plot
  • Pay attention to the other human as this is where the most information and feedback is, not in my stupid head
  • Reevaluate the criteria on the basis of which I'm attracted to someone - this I've already started to address as I realize that what has been turning me on was emotional distance and what was putting me off was someone trying to connect. Totally upside down.
  • Be kind. To yourself, to others.
I'm recently spending a lot of time trying to see the situation from another person's point of view, to anticipate what is in their heads. Notice the word "try" - I don't think I'm actually doing it yet. I realized that what I thought was looking from another person's point of view was in fact looking through my distorted lenses of the voices in my head, and had nothing to do with the other person. Explains a lot the misunderstandings I typically have with people. I have not been looking from their perspective, I was assigning them a role in my head's movie. The fact that I was spending a lot of time on refining and developing those roles doesn't mean I was in any way getting closer to understand the people who I made play them.
I think that's it. Realizing how many voices there are in my head and how they prevent me to hear anything from the outside. For example I would often feel that someone is upset but not notice when they actually are. It's because feeling that they are upset is just one of the voices.
You don't feel how other people feel without making a conscious effort.
Now I learned that if I have an impression I know how someone's feeling but I have not made a prior effort to put myself in my shoes that probably means I don't know shit, I'm just projecting. There's no such thing as being sensitive to how other people feel (without maybe having practiced it for years, and I haven't). All I'm sensitive to is other people easily triggering me. Thinking I actually know how they feel is like going on mountain climbing trip because I saw how to do it on YouTube.
I feel like getting glimpses of the world above the fog, and have to say that this world seems really beautiful.