RAW THOUGHTS

I am still going deeper into watching my inner world closely. I noticed something strange recently, looking at people trying to improvise a dance.

I realised I felt compulsive attraction to some people when I looked at their movements, both men and women. This attraction was at a very subconscious level, and I guess that while coming up to the consciousness I would say about the women that I envy them because they seem interesting and about men that I consider them attractive because they seem interesting - not realising that it is the same underlying subconscious attraction.

And now: this strange attraction was arising while looking at people who seemed to have a specific problem in controlling their bodies. I still cannot put my finger on it..

  • I suspected myself that maybe I find people who are out of control exciting.. I tried to make a thought experiment and imagine one of those people completely out of their mind, not having control over their body or emotions and me interacting with them - and that felt damn good. That would point into direction of narcissistically exploiting people, but still I am not sure. It may also be something malicious that developed on top of the actual thing.
  • If I was not aware of this deep process going on, I would probably mistake this sick attraction towards someone of opposite gender with the actual falling in love. Now when I recall my last 3 relationshits indeed each deciding attraction moment was happening while I observed that person's inability to control their body. I also wrote about a theory about narcissists not being good with their bodies, which makes sense why those relationships were so shitty.

Soon afterwards also happened something else by a coincidence: I was watching music videos that I saw in a kindergarten age, and there would be children dancing in those videos. Children young enough to still have visible problems with controlling their bodies. At the same time I felt a very similar feeling in the body like during this strange attraction (perhaps that is why I had the idea to start watching those videos in the first place). And I also felt something else at the same time: an urge to join them, as a child to join other children. And I know that I never in my life I did.

It is possible that this feeling is a reminiscence of going to kindergarten for the first time in my life and feeling excitement of interacting with other children (which would not ever happen when I was at home).. and then not being able to interact with them for some reason, and since then forever longing this unfulfilled desire? Is this why people who move like children attract me - because I still have this unresolved need from those times, from childhood - to interact with other people? Is this why I never got to the stage of longing to belong to a group, like teenagers do - because I never got past the previous stage?