Psychological rape

Something just occurred to me. The fact that my father was directing all his hate towards women, including his wife, at me, and since I was as old as 5, is a psychological rape. Isn't it? I was put into the context of a woman, and a woman with whom he would have a romantic relationship. But I was his daughter. Was I ever? His daughter? Or was I from the start a woman in a relationship with him who he hated. The latter I think.

Consequences, someone may ask? Male figures in position in authority are naturally seen as exemplars of the "father" paradigm, and that is for every woman. So for me that means that I will immediately put those men into sexual context in my head. People at work. Bosses. More experienced male colleagues. The context is sexual, and the relation is clearly vertical, and they all and always clearly hate me.

I got into a toxic relationship at work. With a male colleague, more experienced, at least that is how I saw him. When I recall his looks it is freaky to see how he matches my father. I mean, it's not news that women look for men similar to their father, but if I want to get more specific I would say:

Pam pam pam, full stop, shocking and disgusting, but this is pretty much how this whole relationship felt to me. This is why I left so shattered.

Body work. I have this right side of my body full of trapped emotions and I still haven't figured out what that is or where it comes from. I had a very intense concept of something like those creatures smashing my waist while having those old feelings of being hated by my father triggered today:

Ok, now it's freaky.

The further I go with this the more I realise that the negative feelings I had as a kid when my parents were behaving their ways was not because I was a disobedient, irresponsible, lazy child, but because their behavior was wrong and hurtful. Step by step I discover that the "normal" was actually freaky. It is so difficult to see freaky in what you have grown to consider normal, it is so difficult.