Okay that was a lot of time since the last checkpoint. I didn't realize it went so fast.
What I have experienced:
  • I have looked at a man with the intention to see if I'd like to get closer to him, and I got the same look back. I repeated it multiple times in various places and each time this eye contact communication was that rich and straightforward. I never did that before, I didn't get what's the deal about eye contact.
  • I have experimented with getting close to someone sexually without relationship commitment, and when I was sober. That made me see how it is to be in the equiribrium of being respected and being close. I want to use this experience as my new intimacy template. The first one to be honest.
  • I have looked at myself in the mirror and instead of someone pathetic I saw someone proud and respectable. That was quite interesting.
What I have understood:
  • If I stop the work on myself I will naturally go back to my initial state. That's why I shall not stop.
  • It's possible to feel intimate with someone you don't depend on and they don't depend on you.
  • It is fine, possible and pleasant to have sex without romantic love. It does not have to be an emotionless empty sex. General human love is enough.
  • It can make sense to be in relationship even if I know that it will not last. Each relationship does not have to be started in order to get married, have children and get old together. There's no better or worse relationship lifespan just like there's no better or worse people.
  • Till now my beliefs about love and relationships were really artificial and the result of cultural brainwashing. The real thing I should be concerned about is the authenticity of human connection, not whether sex before marriage is fine or not.
  • I will not learn how to be with someone by being alone.
  • People, including men, are actually like me: scared, lonely, sometimes lazy. There's no reason why someone would want to hurt specifically me.
  • People want sex. Everyone. All the time. They don't say it, but everyone is thinking about it: my friend, my boss, the shop assistant, the bus driver, the doctor, the drunk teenager at the bar and the priest. Even my parents. The married and unmarried, the old and young. I was living in an idealised world where love was prerequisite for sex drive. Facepalm.
What I've started doing:
  • It may not seem relevant but I think for me it does matter: I'm doing spine stabilisation (core muscles) exercises. I think that my physical state does translate to my mental state. I start feeling more stable and grounded regarding who I am.
What I've stopped doing:
  • For a few months I was writing much less, and that made me fall behind. I will now start again.
What has changed to worse:
  • I again started having occasional freakouts, but they last shorter than before. Nevertheless it starts worrying me. Also drinking urges have come back.
  • I've started feeling more down and worthless. Or maybe I started realising it more?