Q2 Checkpoint

Progress since the last checkpoint.

I have learned that:

I have read about NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) and it is mind blowing. Have not actually learned it, but it is interesting. Also hypnosis and self affirmations fall under this category. It was useful to see how self affirmations could be modified for people with CPTSD.
My codependency is affecting my life more than I thought.
- I am afraid to take responsible tasks as there would always be someone who would not like either that I am taking this task, or would not like my solution. While solving a technical task I can spend 3 times more time than needed to develop 3 different working solutions and and the end give up because for each of them I would immediately know someone who would not be happy with it.
- I am very often in the state of "doomed if you do and doomed if you don't", which I have an amazing skill of fabricating on my own.
I have some narcissistic traits. Perhaps it is simply what is at the intersection of narcissism and borderline, can be. It freaks out even me (esp. avatars).
My mother has been objectifying me and other people, and it seems objectification is one of the main problems in my interpersonal relationships.

I have understood that:

It is going to be much harder than I thought. There is a layer of raw pain and disgust under the all of the hurt emotions and body traumas, and even below that is complete brokeness. As if someone decomposed my body into parts and then tried to put them back together but failed. Emotional Frankenstein could be a good expression.
Much more depends on me than I thought. I start seeing my own maladaptations, my own misinterpretations, the places where I am skewing the reality, as well as the places where I force myself into something I do not want.
I am not ready for or capable of a relationship. What is the essence of people peacefully being together for an extended period of time I cannot do. I can do what is getting together and what is honeymoon phase as this is based on reflexes that are not hard. Anything beyond that is incomprehensible to me.
I have moved out of Poland to limit the CPTSD flashbacks.

I started doing the following:

I have started looking into the subject of romantic love and romantic relationships. Had to change the blog domain for that reason as some "friends" reading the blog were not happy with its content. Foolish of me to have shared it at all.
I have started imaginary work in schema therapy and it has been fascinating to see how big power it has.

I gave up the following: