A father holding baby on his hands smiled widely at me when the child got interested in the sound I was making with my keys. There was something unsettling about his smile. I wanted to slap him. My immediate reaction was "What are your smiling at, you moron?!".
Hmm.
What was his smile about? It's recipient was the baby not me, of course, there was just a glitch between the impulse and the person he was looking at. That was the intimacy, the connection smile. Yes. Is this what irritates me? Yes I think that's exactly irritating me. Why? Could it be that this is how my parents would react at my attempts to connect? It's definitely possible or maybe even quite likely.
I know I'm not able to connect. I know I do have his empty look in my eyes. I saw this look from the 3rd person perspective too. I wonder if I can ever learn to what it takes to have the real look. At least I have learned what I don't know. The baby had this empty look too btw, I guess it's a developmental stage, maybe the one I am stuck at.
Now they're "walking" around me, the father super excited and into this and it makes me furious. I want to hit them, slap them, shout "what are you so happy about?!". I just find it.. inconsiderate of others, as if it was inconsiderate to be happy. This is also what annoys me in children looking at me with the connecting eyes. I feel like they're invading my space, bothering me, being rude, inconsiderate, selfish, self-absorbed - and now..
..now if I twist the situation around and think that this is how my parents were trying to make me feel when I had needs as a baby..
Hmm.