Two years of not writing, what happened? I was first very low, and then happy again, and did not want it to end. But eventually you need to return to the normal life.
Something happened about 2 years ago. I felt so low, that I experienced depersonalisation and occasionally derealisation (feel free to google if you don't know the terms). And then one morning, from that depersonalisation came a striking but could-not-be-more-true thought:
When I die, everything I ever knew, remembered, hoped for, and looked forward, will die too. It will literally cease to exist.
And that thought kind of changed the whole game for me. It is no longer about expressing myself and finding a way to connect with the world. It is rather that demotivation, and ..I think I gave up.
There is one more thing I understood recently: no one has an idea what they are doing. I can read thousands of books, and follow thousands of treatments, participate in thousands of therapies and be coached by thousands of coaches, and still not get anything useful from it. Borderline, CPTSD, Depression, ADHD, Autism, Anxiety - who cares? The point is: I am suffering and I am exhausted. I wanted to contribute, to help, to bring some value with my life. But I do not see how I can, and I do not see that it is worth. Looking around.. who do I want to help? What do I want to share? There are people who can destroy thousands of years of human effort out of ignorance and happily being an idiot. What can I contribute with my miserable 70 years of life? Close to nothing.
Doctors, medicine. People, opinions. Opinions and recommendations. People hardly ever think, and if they occasionally do, they surely don't expect the others to. I think I became cynical. I am in three therapies at the moment, and I don't know what for. They told me this should help. Does not help.
Ah, and one more I realised, probably thanks to the Corona crisis: my social skills were just a learned, and a very demanding skill. Put me out of training for a few months and I feel again like I felt in third grade. I don't naturally get how to interact with people, and to be honest - I am too lazy to even pretend. I feel awkward, and ashamed.