I was asking myself a few days ago why I have this relationship block. Because I do. It's not only about relationships but also closeness in general.
And today I had this dream. Where I was talking with my first boyfriend and he said we can't be together anymore because he married someone else and we were both crying. I woke up crying. And not the dream, but my emotional reaction to spontaneously remembering now it made me think. That scene from the dream where he said he's married to someone else, where it took place is the same place where I remember we promised to each other that even if we marry someone else, our feelings for each other will stay. Dumb, but still, it was more like a declaration than a promise. It was just this strong conviction we had, well at least I did. I can't explain where it came from till now, but maybe I should?
Maybe I actually should look into the fact that it was him often telling he wouldn't survive me marrying someone else, while he's the one who actually did it?! I know I have this tendency to believe everything too literally, right? What if it was just me taking that whole thing too seriously, to the point that it messed with my mental well being? My heart sinks as I write it. The most protected and idealized part of my life's story. What if it wasn't any special? What if it wasn't all that there is to love, which I've deeply believed till now? What if he was just another disappointment I've had?
I remember this moment when someone told me he had a new girlfriend, very soon after the breakup. My reaction was like this:
  • It can't be true
  • Oh my God it is true
  • Even if it's true, it doesn't change anything that happened between us
And that last point was the split. Between what's true and what could be taken at that moment. I couldn't have taken the truth so I split it off. Maybe that's the missing not integrated part of me. Don't I remember that puzzling tearing apart feeling I felt so often when I was with him? Didn't I close the "I loved him" cupboard just to have an excuse not to ever love anyone else? And wasn't that the very same problem we had during all the relationship: that I could not be close to him when he was around, only when he wasn't there was I not afraid of the closeness.