I have just been re-watching Teal Swan's video about resistance https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-90Uv5LKhk, because it occurred to me that the stress I feel at work can be best described as "resistance". It is already pretty good that I have noticed that I am very stressed at work indeed. And I see no objective reason. I just noticed my shoulders being sore from the tension, and the overwhelming feeling of stressing out about "performing" as soon as I arrived back from vacation. But there is no one putting any pressure on me. Why then?

I was afraid to go into that feeling. As soon as I start thinking about why I feel such an urge to perform, I see myself as a kid and my parents. This would be very lame to do such projections at work, wouldn't it. And why would I feel so much bigger pressure at the new job where I am much more respected than in my previous job?

And now I just got it. This is the key. It is the resistance from believing that someone can appreciate and respect me. That someone may actually take me seriously. That resistance was there from the job interview and over time it was only growing. Is there resistance because the reality is that I am in fact not respected and not taken seriously, or is it because this is what I am used to? I really cannot tell. Both options would be bad.

Do I have objective reasons to think I am not respected and not taken seriously? I have one reason which is based on another issue of mine, so I am not sure if it counts.

Do I get any benefits from believing that I am not respected and not taken seriously? Benefits which I would lose if that was not the case. Yes, I am. If I am not respected and not appreciated:
  • I can leave any time
  • I do not have to take anyone seriously either
  • I won't disappoint anyone
  • No one will be hurt or damaged by me
But what is the root reason. There is a feeling that feeling appreciated creates in me. And this feeling I am really terrified of. I feel my ego coming up with 100 reasons why feeling such feelings is wrong, and "I would never feel that". What is this feeling? I have been escaping it in many other circumstances too.

The ego's reasons:
  • who do you think you are
  • don't forget, it's you
  • don't believe it
  • don't be naive
  • it's all a show
  • okay fun's over, stop that now
Sounds very covert-narcissistic to be honest, especially the first ones. Yes there is a big resistance to believing that I am an instance of a person, not just an abstract person. That I matter.