Today it strucked me: as a toddler - sitting alone in my room, because I'm a low maintenance child. In kindergarten playing alone because I was too traumatized to risk initiating a contact with another child, and no adult gave a shit about noticing me and intervening. As a school pupil sneaking alone along the corridors hoping no one would notice me because of the smear campaign one teacher unconsciously and unprofessionally founded me (is social excile not the worst thing a human can experience? And that was my first socialising experience, for 12 long years). In high school pretty much the same situation except suicidal thoughts really kicked in. And then I had my first human connection with a guy who left after 5 years thinking I deserve better. Then first friends at the age of 21 and after 3 years another relationship where I was a trophy and I felt lonely again. And then me alone at the uni in Finland, living alone, on parties alone, putting a mask of having a good time, occasionally used and discarded by some jerks, and then again left alone, without hearing "I'm sorry" even once. I mean.. How on earth could I now be a happy self confident woman, and how on earth could it be all my fault? How can I blame myself for feeling lonely and worthless?! Almost all the people I met in my life gave zero fucks about me, including the ones whose responsibility it was to give fucks. I can't generate fucks out of the air, all right?! it's enough to look at the toddler to see where this life was going.