We spoke about the very often recurring theme in my life that someone is pissed at me because "I dared to be me". I just want to dump the good points she made:
I am talking about myself to upfront expose myself so that I can make sure that I am accepted, before I invest in the relationship. It is not easy to expose oneself, but it's more important for me than investing in something that will hurt me. This strategy is not selfish or morally wrong, it just shows that I have a big need to be accepted for who I am which my parents didn't fulfill.
When people say I am selfish and self centered because I am myself, it means that it bothers them that I am expressing myself. It bothers them because they do not feel they are allowed to do so themselves, as they have their own similar problem. If I didn't have the same problem I would not have such people in my life.
The reason why I feel so terrible when people say I am selfish and self centered in such situations is because I feel a fraction of the feeling I did feel when my parents were upset that I was myself. If I now feel suicidal after a disaster date with someone I don't even know nor care about who said I was self centered, I must have felt ways worse when I was a child. I just forgot it. I had to go on.
Children at the age of 3 to 5 are naturally narcissistic. It is a healthy stage. They need the world to revolve around them or otherwise they will not develop correctly.
It is not wrong not to be interested in facts from people's lives. It is not the question of selfishness but a question of interests. Different people are interested in different things. I see that there is far more to live than facts, that's why I am interested in deeper topics. In fact my level of sensitiveness may have been the reason why my parents didn't like me: I was uncomfortable for them, as I exposed all their problems. Had they been more open to this, I may have helped them grow.
The common thought I have during Improv theater which blocks me is "I don't want to destroy anything that has been established" may be an echo of my parents blaming me for destroying their lives by being conceived. Answer: "it is them who had sex not you". My mother saying that I have tendency to always look for people to blame for my bad decisions is another hint into this direction (projection). Try to risk destroying things. If you don't fail you don't learn.
"It is not all about you" is what my friend hurt me to the core with. It is also what my mother used to say all the time. I have been brainwashed into thinking that having needs and feelings equals being selfish. "Start from a newborn, is it selfish that it needs the breast?" My answer: "yes". "Look at the puppy, are puppies selfish that they need to suck the milk?" My answer: "yes". "Look at the fetus in the womb: is it selfish for being there?" My answer: "no". Why? Because it is there for one reason: life. Not because of the parents or itself, it's a higher power: life. It does not matter what anyone will say, it is there for a reason.
And despite all the odds you survived.