Sliding
Posted on May 31st, 2017
In moments like now.. very down. I'm thinking that I am so alone that it's almost incomprehensible. And it is very hard indeed to give support or self-compassion to myself. All I can feel towards myself is disgust. Me is this stupid little thing running around that everyone wants to shut up and stop existing. And yes, I can't stop thinking of that possibility too.
I am wondering now, if I can recall any moment that I felt loved in my life.
No.
Not by my parents even. I heard a lot words about it but I never felt it. I always only felt that I was a bother. A reason they got married, even though I didn't know about it back then. How am I supposed to love myself when I never felt how it feels to be loved? How am I supposed to give myself support and compassion when it was never modelled for me?
Me being lovable is harder to imagine than me being a man.
I hate myself. How can I ever be happy? It's so hard to convince myself to look at myself in a friendlier way. I'm so stubborn. It feels like the matter of honour not to change my mind about myself. I even find it offensive of myself to try to convince myself to be compassionate for myself. I'm offended by myself, how bizarre is that.
It's funny how I can see everything clearly now. I understand it much better how it all happened to me and why I am in the place where I am. I understand everything, but still can-not-change-it. It's like trying to build an IKEA chair while sitting on it. So yea, I have read the manual, learnt it by heart. So what, what now? No idea.
I know I will not find anyone who will help me. I was counting on it, naively believing in meeting my soulmate. People can only hurt me. I don't know how I can be happy alone. It's so disappointing, how fucked up the world is, how fucked up the people are. I'm disgusted by the outer world - and that's the outer critic keeping me away from human connection. I understand the mechanisms but I can-not-change-them. It's simply my reality.
I have an impression that all the work I did was just useless. I feel like I'm at the start again. I only hope it's temporary. And if not, there is always that one option.