One month went by, the recovery time is getting longer than the dating time. I'm not surprised. I'm angry but this time more at myself. That I still let them trick me. Of course, if I have unlimited faith in humans, of course anyone will be able to exploit me. It is what it is. I need to learn to give up on people. And of course they'll deny, and of course they'll present themselves as if they didn't do anything wrong. Why I can't accept that some people just won't self reflect, won't feel for me, won't try to understand me?
It somehow hurts deeper than usual. Less overwhelming but deeper. It's like someone has stabbed me. On the first sight the wound is not so big, but it won't heal that fast because it's deep. How deep? Maybe down to the 8-10 year old me. That's pretty deep. Usually didn't go below 16. I feel that's the direction to go. The wound is showing me the direction to dig. But how. It all hurts and the blood is all over me. Each time I touch it, the blood flow gets unmanageable. But if it heals, I'll just have one more scar on way there. Mhmmmm... I need a scalpel. Vipassana. It's the right time, now. No time to waste.