I think that my subconsciousness is really shouting something to me and I still cannot understand a word. But it is getting very loud: vivid and obvious. How it manifests:
  • constant physical tension, manifesting as nausea, sleep irregularities, bodily feeling of stress
  • getting easily and deeply frustrated, about big things and small irrelevant things
  • impatience much higher than usual
  • complete inability to deal with time, bad time management
  • feeling victimized very easily
  • unable to say no, leading to absurd situations
  • difficulty making decisions
  • brain fog
  • misunderstanding others and being misunderstood
And this goes on since maybe 3 months. What got especially worse recently is the frustration, victimization, misunderstandings and the inability to say no.
I also try to limit alcohol and somehow I stopped having the reflex to get drunk to escape those feelings. Which made them even worse.
Codependency. I wonder if this is all because my codependency got worse, or because I started noticing when I say "yes" while wanting "no". I have dropped many regular activities with other people to have more time for myself, and somehow I feel like I have even less time. But no, I do not miss those activities. To be honest I feel as if I was sick. I am not in the mood for anything, I am only in the mood of getting better. But I do not know how.
I am trying not to restrict food, only pay attention not to make myself feel sick by overeating.
Since a few days I do not care anymore what people think of me. I feel so bad that I just don't want to bother myself with that on top of how I feel. But I know it is unfortunately temporary, and as soon as I feel better it will come back.
I was watching Teal Swan's video about changing beliefs, and digging to the core belief that is holding you back. Interesting. I was watching more videos and they really are relevant for me at this point of time. I have a feeling that they can lead me a bit towards the answer.