I remember thinking that I won't be able to take this life as such at one point. That eventually suicide will be the only possible option. I really wanted to die. I thought I was pathetic and useless. And all I can say to that now is: I was right. I was.

Not that now I'm amazing. But if I was right about anything back then, it was that I will have to die to make my situation any better. And in some way I have indeed died. It was after that realisation that I've in some way died when watched one video of Richard Grannon where he said something like "You will never recover from CPTSD. The person who is recovered will not be the you that you are now". That's exactly my experience, even though I'm still recovering.

What is more, when I look at my past emotionally unstable one, I don't feel understanding, I don't feel any connection to her. Well maybe I could feel pity, maybe some compassion. But I would not respect that person. I would not trust her, I would not take her seriously. Just like I thought "no one could ever really appreciate me" - I was right! I wouldn't appreciate my past self either.

Why I'm writing this: often when someone is feeling suicidal and saying bad things about themselves, people tend to say "it's not true", "you are wonderful inside" and such crap. Most of the time that's good. But if it's a personality disordered person who is living through a false self, there's nothing wonderful, nothing beautiful inside. That person is not real person, it's a facade. The longer that facade is maintained the more difficult it will be to tear it down. It is counter-intuitive, but many things about the narcissism and borderline are counter-intuitive. So if I could give an advice to myself from a year ago, I would tell myself this:

Listen, how you feel about yourself if very normal and natural in your situation. Your hunch that you as you know it will have to die is very true. But what you have to know is that there is much more to you than you know right now. The trick will be to maintain all the rest of you, the part which don't know, plus your physical body alive when the old you dies. There is an end to this suffering and it does not have to be ending your life and hurting all your close ones.

I'm not saying anyone should try telling this to someone who's depressed. But if you're at this place in your life that I was I think it's a useful perspective to consider.

I am now on the other side of the mirror.