Mind blowing when I started analysing this video in context of me. I think if I watched it some years ago I'd think it's bullshit. But recently I've become "elastic" enough to accept that I may be .. wrong. About some things about myself.


In big simplification and according to my understanding it says that when a parent tells a child not to be "so and so", the kid will not stop being so but will stop realising this aspect of themselves, while trying to compensate in the opposite direction. I think it's because one can't change how they are, one can only change behavior on request, and this is most often temporary. Maybe it is possible to give some feedback a deeper thought and work on oneself, but a child who heards for the first time that they're wrong may not necessarily be able to do that. Next, the in the video is said that when this kid grows up they will not have any awareness of those traits in themselves, but be very sensitive to those traits in other people. If those traits are negative they'll hate those people, and if they are positive they'll fall in love with those people. And this sensitivity to those traits is supposed to be there because the we want to become whole again, but I'm still sceptical about this. But the psychological mechanism is interesting.

My parents were complaining that I'm too irresponsible, self centered. Some people called me arrogant. There were also problems with my sensitivity and daydreaming tendencies, being overly emotional.

What most annoys me in people is fake self confidence and irresponsibility, not being conscious of others. Because "I would never, ever, be like this!". Ha!

What draws me to men used to be arrogance, careless attitude to life, and recently it also included sensitivity. Because "I wish so much I could I be like that". Wow!

People nowadays tell me too that I'm overly sensitive and self centered and each time I hear it I see red, because I'm convinced I'm not anywhere near that. But maybe I am, I just don't see it myself? Because of this mechanism..

It would be indeed quite bad to be for example very sensitive and not realise it. Constantly put oneself info situations one is not able to handle emotionally and not understanding why. That REALLY sounds like the story of my life.

Hmm.. irresponsibility, carelessnes, absent mindnesless, vulnerability and authenticity, is the characteristics I see in one person that recently appeared in one part of my life. And I was very occupied for some reason with this person, and I didn't know why. It so felt like "I wish so much I could dare being like them". That really fits into this concept.

Characteristics of another person that also quite occupied my thoughts recently for some reason were: sensitivity and emotionality, creativity, authenticity, self confidence. I felt "THIS is exactly what I value, and now I'm gonna say it out loud, I want to stand for this!". I felt very impressed and inspired by them. I did not get the connection with myself.

Hmm... a friend recently told me I impressed them by not worrying what others think about me and being myself and being careless. I was quite confused as on one hand I considered it rather a bad trait, on the other hand I didn't think I'm like that. I concluded they must be delusional and thanked them for the compliment. I need to add that this person does judge other people a loooot, which I have since then been finding very confusing if what they are after is not feeling judged. But with this video that makes so much sense.

I find it amazing that people do not really change. Their character traits, they stay. I meet old friends after 10 years and having gone through several life stages, and suddenly I see them doing something and think "this is typical them!". It's as if the brain structure determined how we are. I think my not knowing those basic character traits of mine, the pillars of my personality in a way, I've been keeping myself disconnected from the sense of self. Because, to be honest.. was there anything in me my parents didn't criticize, that didn't develop as an overcompensation to what they did crtiticize? Being smart (this always came with a disclaimer that I should not show it in any situation as men feel threatened by smart women). Also being pretty. Those two things were probably the only things that were accepted by them, and yes so far I've considered them my main characteristics.

So now, there are people coming into my life who show me what being me is like. I've seen in my last relationship how short sighted, unhelpful and dangerous self centredness is. I've seen the fake fabricated self confidence and the real natural self confidence. I see how someone being absent minded does not prevent me from seeing them as a valid human being. I see how being sensitive can be a big advantage in life. This is why I am meeting those people.

Maybe one way of understanding why I matter in this world would be to think like this: because our brains so deterministically determine how we are, one can't have a brain and not be in any way. So my feeling that I'm not in any way must be an illusion. I must be in a way, maybe even in a strong way, I just don't see it. But others must see it. This is what I have to find out.

Self awareness level 0. I used to think that self awareness is being aware of my thoughts. No, self awareness is being aware how others see me. And yes, this is a better measure to tell me who I am than what I think about myself. My hunch as a child was correct, and I have tried to change this unnecessarily.