After getting to know a certain disordered person a bit closer and a lot of reading I start to doubt whether I actually have a personality disorder. In the end most of the symptoms of Borderline is just human reactions to certain pain. What if I just have normal reactions to the same pain which is not actually caused by having my personality under- or ill-developed? I have massive codependency traits and a lot of sensitivity, and a lot of wounds that I am carrying since childhood, and I keep on attracting people who only hurt me more in the same way. But is this not just a very unfortunate and extreme case of having been through tough times as a child?
Or maybe it is actually me who saved myself? Back then when I was just few years old, crying in my room, and my mother shouted something about "fucking princess" at me, I did finally collapse, I did give up, I did cut off from my emotions, I did make a decision to split the way in which I experienced reality. I did make the decision to become the victim, to direct my negative emotions at myself, at the same time holding the whole world accountable for my suffering. I accepted that my parents didn't love me and I couldn't change it (whether it was actually true is another story, but that's how I felt). But the thing is, the reason why I was now able to remember this very moment, is that back then I was aware of what was going on with me. I explicitly remember thinking to myself "okay, so here we go now, I am making this huge step which will cause me tremendous problems in my adult life, and oh my future me, I hope you can forgive me. I hope you can get by regardless of this.". I was aware I am getting broken. I created a mental mark of "before-after". Maybe I am not giving myself enough credit for this. In the end I think that this was quite remarkable, the level of self awareness that I have had at that young age.
And I think what may have helped me a lot was my grandmother. I vaguely remember her telling me something along the lines "You are very special. Don't ever let anyone make you believe otherwise. They can tell you things, but you only have to remember this for yourself.". I did not understand what she meant back then (I believed I was shit anyway), but what I implicitly understood was that I should stay very aware and self conscious because of some higher purpose that I did not yet fully comprehend. So I did. Maybe I owe my grandmother more than I realise. Maybe that was the mental support that I needed in order not to collapse uncontrollably, but in a controlled way. A kind of mindful breakdown, yes.
It occured to me just a few months ago that I remembered this moment of controlled breakdown. Since then I must have been subconsciously processing it, as now I think that I do have some connection with who I was before that moment. I definitely remember the times when I did not have this disturbing weird feeling inside saying that something is terribly wrong. I remember how the view of our house from my height looked back then, so I assume that was between 5-7 years old. The girl I was back then seems so different from who I grew up into, but in recent weeks I feel I am getting closer to who I was back then. The main difference is the self esteem. I did have self esteem before, after I did not. Before I felt I am able to do things, to influence things, later I felt only helpless. Before I felt curious and careless, later I felt self-conscious and scared, ashamed. Before I was happy, later I was feeling hopeless. Before I knew who I was, after I felt like I am invisible, as if I didn't actually exist. Before I dreamed of becoming a musician, painter, later I dreamed of not ending my life by suicide "when I grow up". Now when I feel I start existing again I am surprised at the distinctive features of me - I never knew I had something that would make me in any way special, but it seems I do. It seems that in fact I am like no other person, just like no person is like another. I was not aware I have been part of it. I was not aware that I have been a human.