I really wonder how much could a simple technique of watching a little child interact with their parents in a healthy way serve as a therapeutic method. I've been doing that with the same baby girl over a few years now, and have just seen her again. This time I was overwhelmed with the urges I had. I felt at a big unease, since I'd expect her parents to:
  • shout at her and lock her in her room for having the effontery to play carelessly and loudly, and simply being cheerful
  • put her down by calling her swear words for having any signs of individuality
The girl is 3 years old now and at this age I could really see for the first time signs of her own character. It was amazing! But at the same time that was exactly the trigger. "How dares she?!". And then I was shocked that her parents just tolerated it, without putting an end to it. I felt her individuality as threatening. I understood that this tells a lot about how my own parents treated me.
And then I sat next to her watching a cartoon in the TV. I looked at her little girly body and this was scary: I felt contempt. I imagined throwing her against the wall and I think it would be a very satisfying feeling. I imagined taking her little ugly girly hands, like ugly girly legs, in little ugly girly boots and just throwing her like an object, like a doll, to prove that she's nothing more than a doll, not a human being. I would be delighted with the sound of her helpless scream. Yes, her being helpless would make me feel good.
I was aware that it was only a flashback. Have I not been so focused and mindful about my subconscious reactions I would probably just feel annoyed and concluded that I simply don't like children. But this.. Shit where does it come from? Did someone really do this to me? Did they at least dream of doing it? Somehow it's not difficult for me to imagine my dad thinking all the things I wrote above. And few months ago I really believed I had a healthy childhood.
To be honest watching this daughter of my good friend is the only example of healthy childhood I ever saw. Seeing it in the movies is not the same. It's light years from what I'd imagine childhood should be like, it's far better than that.
I'm not jealous. Often in such situations the survivors of childhood CPTSD feel jealousy, but with this girl I simply can't, she is too beautiful and innocent.