Today it got me back. Just like I felt at school, the same I felt today as an adult between people who just a few months ago I considered friends. I felt condemned by them, disapproved, avoided, contempted. I felt shame and pain.
I got a bit deeper into that feeling today, I left my friends to spend some time with myself and check what is there actually. There were a few surprises.
I think I managed to somehow mentally draw a contour around that particular feeling. In a way that I can now almost touch it, feel it, smell it, see it. It has a shape of a pear. It is light brown. It is rough. It is pressing the tissues around it, and even though I can move it a few centimeters back and forth, it stays there. And causes pain.
Then I tried to let myself feel that emotion without stopping it. And the body sensation was weird - I had an impression that I am lifted up and lost the ground under my feel. I literally felt the air under my feet. And it was scary.
I also realised that this feeling, even though is about myself, did not have to come from myself. Today I imagined that, like with most of very early feelings, it must have come from outside, at a stage of live when I was not yet able to make distinction between my internal world and the external world. I tried to imagine what could have been an action that would cause such a reaction in me. Someone would have to have done something irreversible, shameful, something they really just want to forget about because it is so painful to even think about what they did.
And since I had this physical and mental picture of that feeling I asked myself when I felt it for the first time. And no, I didn't find the beginning of it, but I clearly remembered that in the moment of realisation that I am being bullied by my cousin I thought "why is this (being the victim) happening again, even though it is a different person"! So it must have been something before. Actually when I now recall many memories of my childhood, I see that background anxious feeling, after age around 3-4. And there is a pervasive thought that accompanies this feeling: "I must forget this". What the hell? Am I imagining stuff or what?