My love dilemma is this one: always when I find someone to love, I realise I may not actually love them. In fact, I don't know how it should feel to love someone. People usually say "if you loved, you would know" - so yeah, I never knew. I never felt I loved someone and I never felt loved by someone, not even my parents.
I was thinking why is it so with me, even now, when I am almost 40. Yesterday I did a virtual EMDR session on it. Surprisingly some anger came up, but also a lot of shame. And today I had some realisation:
My life philosophy is "as long as you don't stop performing, nobody's gonna know".
As long as I just keep it up, I could make anything happen. If taking my needs out of the equation makes it easier to reconcile conflicting wishes of other people - I am all in! Optimize! All I need to do is just to push myself to fit into the reality that is the most optimal for everyone. There is just one catch - I have to endure it all. It is all or nothing. But I am brave, am I not?
Maybe I am not. Maybe that is why "loving someone forever" is a task that is simply too daunting. Endure a show for my whole life? That's a bit too much. From experience I last only about 2 years. That's the cut-off date for "being in love", isn't it? Is it too scary to get trapped for life having to put up the same show till I die? Oh yes, it is dead scary.
That life philosophy actually makes me quite a fake person. But, does it really? I do enjoy this life, I truly do. From the backstage I observe everything and experience it as fully as I can. My body moves into the directions that are determined by the plot, my face is making the correct expressions, but behind that I am there, I observe, I experience. I do care, I truly care, I just cannot act outside of the plot. Because, then everyone would find out.
I just sometimes feel extremely lonely. Because I know, that there is no human or non-human being who can understand the real me. When I was younger I have fought so hard to find that someone who will understand me, but now I know that they were child-like fantasies. Thinking that there is someone out there, at least one person, in any age, of any gender, that would understand me. A kind of equivalent of humanity's fantasy about aliens.
So am I being fake or is it simply a protection mechanism? When I get into the relationship I am so focused on maintaining the equilibrium at the cost of my own needs, that I don't notice the build up of resentment until it gets unbearable. When I have a choice to make, my first thought is not "what do I want" but "what can I compromise and still be alive". No matter how much good will I have, could this ever work? I am frustrated. I am frustrated at my inability to talk myself into loving someone. It has worked with literally everything else in my life, why not with loving someone? Why is my inner child furious, upset, why is it rejecting an obviously most optimal scenario?
I am not allowed to talk. I meet someone, I feel hopeful. I try to open up. But I am not allowed to talk. I can only adjust. With time that person turns into my abuser. Every. Single. Time. What's up with it? Why does it happen? How to stop it, other than escape life all together?