The narcissist in me

When I read the diagnostic criteria of narcissism I do not see it so clearly, but when I watch the videos about narcissism I find many of the mentioned characteristics in myself. I'm not even sure if they strictly belong to narcissism or maybe just to the cluster B of personality disorders in general (including borderline). Speaking more colloquially, they may simply be signs of emotional underdevelopment.

Why I write about it: I am not trying to self diagnose myself as a narcissist. I'm just observing my own actions and perceptions after a breakup with someone who displayed many narcissistic traits, and it's now easy for me to notice similarities between me and him. I write about those similarities because I find it useful to know the root motives and possible long term consequences of certain attitudes. It's then clear which ones I should try to remove. It's similar to learning from other people's mistakes. It uncovers some big lies I have told myself.

Let's start from the most freaky ones and finish with the ones many people consider harmless (ah so wrong they are).

People are avatars to me. I often mix up who I have been talking with or with whom I went somewhere. As unless I happen to have a crush on that someone it's not really relevant for me who they are. What matters is how I feel around them. I thought it's something everyone is like, but then why would people miss each other? Yes missing people is something I never understood, because anyone can be replaced (I know craving the person I have a crush on, but I think this is different). I have never missed my parents. It's really an alarming symptom if a person doesn't understand a widely understood and seemingly natural social concept. It's like a big red arrow pointing to a bigger problem. I used to treat it as something "mine", I saw it as something special about me that I don't miss people, and sometimes I would even feel proud of it, consider it a superpower. In the process of self discovery many things that one used to think as "mine" fall off, and even more, they turn out to be the very impediments on the way to recovery (aka growing up).

Another example of that are my dreams about people, or rather my lack of reaction to such dreams. In those dreams people often happen to have a face of another person. I would dream of my current boyfriend but he would have the face of my first boyfriend, and I would not see anything strange in it. After waking up I would still not see anything strange in that, because those two people are equal in my mind, one avatar overlaps the other. In my perception there's nothing more to these people than being my boyfriends, so to me they are a kind of the same person, just with different face. I think it was until I told someone about such a dream that I realised that it's not so ordinary to think this way. Ok the weird dreams anyone can have, but I was surprised by the different reaction to this dream when I was telling someone about it. To me it was something funny, to them it was creepy.

Another one, I would subconsciously categorize friends. I would have a friend for going out and getting drunk, a friend for women talk, a friend for traveling. That has become more obvious when I started moving between places and I would realise that in the new environment I would somehow recreate my old surroundings of people, and in my thoughts assign the new people to the old people, by their function, one by one. And later I would not be able to recall who I went to this trip with, was it friend in location A or their equivalent in location B? I would seriously get myself into embarrassing situations with that, and I used to attribute it to my forgetfulness. But really, can you forget with whom you had sex at a lake side, provided you don't just sleep with anyone? Often the only way I can figure that out would be logically comparing the dates. This is not how a normal person would function I reckon.

What I think differs me from the narcissist is that I'm always concerned with how those other people feel, and I try to imagine things from their perspective (still it is quite anonymous "them"). I'm also quite good in knowing how they feel, seeing through them (which is similar for sociopaths though). I see myself as being there for them, not vice versa - but how sure can I be that I don't lie to myself with that last one? This I can't be sure. Also, those people are not just shells to me, they are valid humans with their own worlds and emotions - quite repeatable from person to person though. Also, the constellation I'm reproducing in every place even though is similar is in fact quite random, it's not carefully planned. It's just repeatable as I guess that similar behaviors produce similar results. I don't really feel that I have control over it. Often I would include people that exploit me, as these are the ones I can be there for. This pattern of friends and relationships has been so established that I haven't noticed that there's indeed a pattern, but now I see it.

I recently started to go dangerously towards the narcissist's point of view regarding how I treat other people. I was actually close to deciding that other people don't matter or even don't exist and that all of them will sooner or later hurt me so I should hurt them first. I'm happy I realised it on time to turn around from that path.

I'm now trying to watch closely my motivations for meeting other people. I'm asking myself whether I'm trying to satisfy some compulsion of mine (including the compulsive helping), or am I coming from a calm, self balanced place. I'm trying to meet my friends only when I'm in that balanced state, and I try to maintain it when I'm with them. I'm also trying to notice as many specific things about each person as I can, so that I move away from categorizing people. Instead of asking myself "who can this person be for me", I'm trying to ask "who is this person".

In the past I have accidentally done something that is a similar prevention to "avatarisation" of people: I developed a habit of observing people in the street and for each person imagining their possible life. Maybe this woman is a teacher and is now thinking about this naughty pupil that's why she looks upset. Maybe this men is now running so fast to catch the train because he promised his mother to be there for the family dinner. That was the first stage. Later I started thinking that they are someone's son, someone's loved one, someone's best friend. I was thinking that to me this random person means nothing but for someone else they may mean everything. I was then trying to look at this person through the eyes of their close ones, as if they meant everything to me. I would then notice this funny pattern of walking. This hole in the left shoe. This piece of bald scull on the top of their head. Sometimes the color of their eyes. That they're taking the bus number 56, maybe they take it every weekday. These are the nuances that I'd never pay attention to regarding someone I don't care about but I would pay whole lot of attention if they were close to me. That exercise I believe is also good for increasing capability for compassion.

I hear it all the time. I wasn't realising it but I hear it non stop, on different levels. Why would I feel constant shame when I'm around people? Because I feel the reactions in my body as if someone was telling me how useless and pathetic I am. This "as if" does not come out of the blue, there actually is a very internalised inner voice telling me all those terrible things. Even though I do not think with words, my body still reacts to something, I still "feel" those messages even though I don't hear them. I literally can't live a second without feeling this harsh critic. I see a shoe commercial on the billboard while sightseeing with friends and I feel: "you're so vane, just concerned about the looks!", "you don't dress like a girl, you should put more effort to look good", "do you think you can afford it, do you know how much work it needs, you're lazy", "I'm ashamed I gave birth to you", "and who do you think you are?!". My friends are talking, laughing and eating ice cream and I just suddenly feel that I want to die. Normally I would not even be aware of all those messages going on in my subconsciousness, I would just feel suicidal for no apparent reason - and just confirm to myself for the n-th time that I'm screwed up.

And this is again the difference to the typical narcissist behavior. I think that a narcissist would react differenly in this situation and instead of suddenly feeling suicidal they would suddenly feel the need to put the others down and perhaps even become aggressive, at least verbally, and that would also appear to have happened for no apparent reason. But the underlying reason seems to be the same.

It was very vivid when it happened to me in Vipassana. All the people there were hostile to me, saying weird things whispering or mumbling, apparently about me, they were looking at me in a very angry way or sulking. After few days I realised it must have been all in my head because talking and looking was not allowed and in fact everyone followed this rule. I seriously imagined all of that! At the end when talking was allowed everyone turned out to be very friendly towards me. How scary that is. It's like schizophrenia. It's paranoia, being convinced of being prosecuted. I even remember hearing them whispering about me, which I know could not have been true.

I believe that when it happens to me in a group of people I don't know, it makes me feel rejected and put down from the start, really preventing initiating any social contract. The only solution I have found to it is putting on a mask. My first mask was the one of a shy girl who is standing in the corner and is too afraid to come up and speak with anyone. Keeping a half smile, give short looks at random people, look embarrassed but available. That efficiently made the concerned people come up to me. I figured it out only at the age of 20, but it was a life saver for me. Another one I learned a few years later - the "savior" mask, which is being exactly on the opposite side of that interaction. I would find a target person, isolated from the group, and imagine that it's them feeling shy and rejected, and then start the conversation in complete detachment from myself, trying to make that person feel as good as I can. I would ask them questions about them, about how they feel, be super nice and accommodating. As the result I would not be self concerned as "I'm only helping here", no one can criticize me for trying to help, even if I fail. That way usually does not bring much benefit in the future as such people rarely come up to me later, but it happened few times that I met very interesting and valuable people in my life in that way (and other very exploitative people). A third way discovered in later years would require at least a bit of alcohol. By that time many people were giving me feedback that I'm social and extravert, so I decided to act up on that. Aware of being a pretty cute blond girl, I would approach some laid back looking group of people and behave quite stupidly, asking a stupid question, trying to make a joke, keep a smile on my face ask the time and laugh as much as I can. People would usually react with "oh she's funny" and in that way they would later come and talk to me on their own.

Yes it sounds manipulative. Those are such necessities in my life that I've never questioned them. I do not do it to get people's attention but in order to survive in an environment where I do not know anyone. I know many people who have the same problem as me but they simply choose not to ever put themselves into a situation where they don't know anyone, or when they'd have to talk with a stranger. I find it equally childish. And very limiting.

What I'm trying now is not to act while I feel the (imagined) negativity from other people or see an opportunity to use one of my masks. I'm trying to get by only by normal interaction when it happens by accident, and learning to survive longer without any interaction if necessary, without putting myself down ("nobody likes you", "they simply know how screwed up you are"). In the end there are people who take a lot of time to get to know new people, maybe I'm one of them? I never even knew, because I was either swept away by the imagined hostility of everyone, or I'd jump into one of my performances.

I should probably also apply some counter strategy when someone I know is in my eyes behaving hostile towards me. Recently I blew up at someone in such situation and confronted them with my impression. Their response was surprise as they said they've been indeed angry but at themselves not at me. Maybe informing someone about my impression is not a bad idea, but in the future I could just stay calm while doing that. I believe that my recent increased impulsivity is the side effect of relationship with a narcissist, and it's known to increase narcissistic traits in the other person. But it's nothing else than different reaction to the same problem, the problem of distorted reality.

Of course, everything is about me. Someone is laughing? They must be laughing at me. Someone is pissed? It must be my fault. When I enter a room everyone must surely notice (whether they think good things or bad things about me is another story, but I'm convinced they think or talk about me). If there's a meeting, it is me who makes the locomotion, asks questions, questions what people say, is confused, demands to be explained in an extra detailed and precise way. Entitled.

I have a theory that this "it's all about me" feeling spreads like an aura around the person who thinks that. I think that may be what men mistake for attraction towards me and often they feel drawn by the fact that they immediately noticed me and felt this aura. But it's not aura of attractiveness it's the aura of self centerdness. And I think that it does not attract everyone - only the people who can't make this distinction - which may be a hint towards why I'm attracting the wrong kind of men.

Egocentrism is not the same thing as selfishness, pride or vanity. One can be very negatively self focused and it may go as far as to even induce something like social phobia. But even if it's just lighter version of social phobia - shyness - it's not automatically a good thing. I would even claim that more often it's not a good sign. If someone is afraid to speak to people it's usually because they are too concerned with themselves, with how they will be perceived. It's also being self focused, and it makes you miss a great ton of reality happening outside of you. It makes you learn less about the world and other people. It makes you emotionally retarded.

I have to write here about Vipassana again - it did hit into this self centerdness. It struck me how small I am. I realised that when I enter into a room I take only as much space as my body is, not the whole room. What really helps me now is to keep trying to put things into perspective. To remember how insignificant I am.

"Give me this, I'll do it better". "Go home, I'm gonna stay finish this cause if I don't then nobody will". "No, don't start until I'm back". It's not being helpful, though it may appear so at the first sight. It's not being helpful because when I don't get to do what I wanted, if something is done not the way I was planning to do it, I feel rage. I'm pissed. How dare they do it their own way. How dare the weather be rainy when I planned the weekend trip. How dare this restaurant be closed when I expected it to be open. And finally, why am I the one always taking care of this and that? Why nobody helps me? I'm so alone and exploited, I can't believe people can be so heartless.

This is so classic that I think this short entry is enough.

I have to perform better than majority. It is fine if the others do the 20%, for their level it is enough, but for my level 120% is minimum. Notice the "levels"? Yes dear reader, a perfectionist feels that they're better than other people. They require more from themselves as they feel they should be able to do better than others, because they're simply more. This conviction is on such a deep level that the perfectionist often does not realise it themselves, but it's there. It's the only logical explanation for expecting more from yourself than what you expect from others. For measuring yourself differently than how you measure others, even if it is the humble-at-the-first-sight demanding more from yourself.

It also goes hand in hand with the omnipotent "if only I had enough time / felt good enough I could do anything".

Worth to mention, intimacy is not possible without imperfection.