Okay, that's quite interesting now. Because of a possibility of being rejected I feel judged, ridiculed, repulsive, resentful and I have the urge to avoid anything that is connected in any way to that person and what happened. I feel like I want to sulk at them, at the situation and at everything that is in any way connected. I'm also judging myself quite harshly, it's like all the people who ever criticized me for something were now speaking at the same time. It's not relevant whether the critique is relevant to the situation, any critique can be smartly interwoven into it. While the judging oneself I think is a common reaction, why the ridiculed and sulking, not to mention repulsive? I'm sure they are not just extreme versions of judging myself. I'm now witnessing how a nice memory is transforming into a traumatic one, in front of my eyes. Who knows how many times this happened and I didn't even notice?! How a huge contrast between yesterday and today, and that with almost zero input from the outside (as no input can also mean sth in the end)! I can easily see how I could now slip into my typical reactions. Idealisation - devaluation phase in a concise example. It's scary. It's scary that people like me are walking around and they seem normal at first. I know it sounds dramatic but hell let's call things by their name. I can see how interacting with me can be toxic and crazy making. It's like I'm trying to warp the reality. I'm just doing it to make it match what is in my head, but what's in my head is almost surreal.
I see how avatarasing people makes this tendency sustainable. I reserve the right to have fears and make conscious informed decisions only for myself. I rarely assume that someone's behavior can be driven by themselves internally. I don't assume that other people think or plan. I do much prefer card games where it's more about picking the right strategy than planning each move. As I can't plan, as I can't comprehend that the behavior of others could be in any way logical. Wait, stop. Sounds familiar? Definitely. It's heart breaking how the things we have grown into can destroy our lives.