In 2015 I have been to Rainbow Family gathering. On the outside it looks like a sort of a hippie community, but in fact it has everything to do with facilitating generally understood spiritual development. It's not a sect. It's a group of like minded people who have been asking themselves the question: "what are we here for?", and found the answer "for each other".

After being there for just 3 days something changed in me. While traveling back from there I felt truly happy. I started noticing people around me, I saw world a bit anew. After few days of every day life this effect worn off, but some problem I have been struggling with at that time stopped bothering me. Later I have been often asking myself - what is it about this event that made the transformation take place?

And today I made the connection. I did have an emotional breakdown there. Some insolent idiot criticised me for who he assumed I was, without knowing anything about me. I overreacted badly. I don't know why I overreacted, maybe because I was stuck there isolated from civilisation, I did not have my mobile phone, no cigarettes, no alcohol, nothing to distract or numb myself. I could not fight back as that would be against the whole "love for everyone" principle. So I crushed inside. I started crying. Badly. Someone came to me. They asked what happened, they said that the guy behaved wrong, and they hugged me until I cried everything out. They didn't judge. They just let the time pass. Now I realise, this is the exact right circumstances of letting the suppressed emotions out. And funny to add, feeling unfairly judged was the core of the problem with which I have been struggling back then. Coincidence?

Yes, I think this is precisely what happened to me back then. I wrote before about subconsciousness bringing up situations in our lives that face us with the very emotions that we are suppressing. If such situation happened in another circumstances I would probably buy a pack of cigarettes or get a beer, and numb those emotions, pushing them even deeper.

I feel like starting to keep a list of such suppressed emotions with which I have dealt with by now. Maybe it would give me some feeling of achievement. I think that the fact that I have dealt with any of them is already an achievement that few people make in their lives. I wonder how many more do I have to address before my life would become bearable.