Another feeling that I can now clearly identify. Because I don't have a name for it let's call it "sawdust" - as it feels like almost choking on something dry, something you can't shake off you and something that dampens the sensations coming from outside. It's uncomfortable but stable. Like that feeling right after puking during hangover: feels bad but also good. Bad because overall I still feel like shit. Good because in this very moment I actually feel stable. I know I won't puke again in the nearest seconds, maybe even minutes.

I used to dislike and escape this feeling. I didn't like it. I used to associate it with "you've acted irresponsibly and selfishly". "You deserve to be punished". "You dared". What did I dare?

I dared to express myself and my opinion. I dared to say "I don't know". I dared to say "I think you're wrong". I challenged people. I caused them to feel uncomfortable, incompetent, stupid, annoyed, and they had to deal with it themselves. I didn't take care of their feelings. I only paid attention not to blame and not accuse but I didn't follow up on them. And then I left home intending not to worry about what they'll think about me or my attitude.

And somehow the intuition tells me that the sawdust feeling is actually a good sign. It contains the uncomfortability but also stability. Usually personal growth contained those two. So it may actually be a moment of a "level up". And no I don't care what people will think of me right now, it's simply irrelevant.

But still I feel uncomfortable.