And now about the shitty feeling I mentioned in one of the previous posts - yes I recently realized that it's a very specific feeling and that I have it quite often. It has a lot to do with feeling worthless and disgusting. Big. Old. Not fitting in. Wicked. Doomed. Deserving hate. Impostor. Unfairly granted something. Immoral. Covered in shit, literally, and pointed fingers at.
Where does this emotion come from? What words do I hear in my head when I feel it?
Well I think I finally know. Some pieces of the puzzle finally fell into place: someone not even that close to me repeatedly made me feel extremely shitty and then it turned out all it was was him being toxically jealous. So I digged a bit more and now I know: it's coming from my younger sister being jealous of me. This is her hate and her resentment I'm feeling. This is the emotions that I have triggered whenever someone is feeling not good enough because of me.
Now apply it to dating.. That would mean that whenever someone is impressed by me without being confident or a narcissistist himself I feel like shit. And what do I conclude? That they think of me as shit. And so I freak out and get the thinking and the speaking block. And so they think I think I'm too good to speak to them so they get angry and cut me off. And so I think they cut me off cause they saw I'm shit. Alternatively, if they manage to express that they are impressed by me, all I hear is a bizarre and insolent lie.
And now apply it to toxic people at work. They feel envious and they see that when they express their envy covertly I pull back. Then they have a simple way to block my every initiative and idea, which comes quite natural to them anyway.. probably not realizing that they're destroying my self worth in the process.