The silent inner critic
Posted on February 8th, 2018
So I have it now, in its all power. The inner critic making me feel so bad that I would rather die than continue this. And since I don't think with words I have been trying to give this critic a voice, to make him express himself with words. But I just cannot. Whatever I come up with sounds so lame and stereotypical. I cannot figure out where it comes from. I cannot find an image that matches those feelings. I cannot imagine what words my parents would have to have said to make me feel like this. I cannot imagine any words that would hurt that much.
"You should die. You should not have been born, I regret having you" sounds silly comparing to that feeling. "You are nothing, you are not worth it" - also nothing serious, really. "I always knew you were worth nothing" is closer. "What else could one expect from you" - yea, maybe. But still, those words do not hurt as much as the pain I feel. This pain does not make me want to just die, it makes me wanna crawl back into my mother's womb and suffocate myself there, as the punishment. It makes me want to collapse my cells back to that one dividing cell. If I can't do it with my will power I feel I would want to do it with my nails, with my teeth. Rip the flesh out of my body, to fit back in the womb, and then let myself be digested alive. That is the feeling. Cut myself into pieces. It's brutal. That feeling is brutal. The difference between wanting to die and that feeling is like the difference between wanting to kill someone and wanting to torture someone before their slow death. It's not just the feeling that I am worthless or insignificant, it's the feeling of being the sole cause of all the bad things that happen.