I read once that the biggest threat to people recovering from CPTSD is giving up because they are not good at noticing progress, as the progress in such cases is really slow. So I am trying to actively monitor this as well, i.e. pay attention to any little detail where I could have reacted in a worse way but I did not. I think that my DBT therapy helped me in this, as my therapist would never let any even the smallest improvement pass unnoticed. Now I try to make mental notes of such improvements myself.

When I look back I see that there is a change in how I function. Out of all those little situations where my reactions were not as they used to be I start to see some overall picture. I was asking myself what is it exactly, and I think that it is change of values. Or, if you like, change of priorities. Sounds good! My values are anyway not that old as it took me some extra time to figure them out (I started working on figuring them out maybe only at the age of 26).

How are they changing? I think they are less magical thinking focused. They are also targeted more at serving myself rather than at serving others. After that change I actually have to make a choice of whether I want to sacrifice myself in order to help someone, instead of automatically jumping into helping and later feeling resentment. More than ever I start questioning the values I copy pasted from my religious upbringing. Not that I suspect them to be "wrong", but I question whether the way I interpreted them at a young age is what actually is useful for me.

I also discovered that I can allow myself to be. That it's not a wrong thing to exist how I am, not as I should be. I started to get it that there will be no one judging me at the end against some template, that all the judging is coming from myself. And that there is not template. I do not mean here that I am rejecting religion, as it does sound a bit similar to the belief of God judging me at the end of my life. I don't know how it will be. But whether there is God or not, I should first be a mentally healthy being in order to think about higher purpose. The fear of being judged does not come from thinking about God, it comes from being judged and punished by my parents, sadly. They aimed at being God for me.

Since I have allowed myself to be, I'm getting the moments of actually liking myself. And of having a mental picture of the kind of person I am. I have such mental pictures about every person I met but I never had one about myself. Now it started to emerge. I guess this is what is called "identity".

I stopped taking pride in not having an identity.

In a way not having identity was an indirect result of me trying not to upset my parents and always be ready to become what they would want me to be at any moment. That is why this lack of identity I perceived as a virtue, as it was giving me flexibility to become any kind of person in any moment. I thought that it is my main advantage, since I will never run into the danger of getting stuck in being in a way that is "wrong". I felt I was "above" all the other people who are stuck at being themselves (here we go a bit narcissistic). The thing is that there is no "wrong" way to be, and this getting stuck is exactly what I needed to start building an identity, to start getting to know myself, and at the end to start liking myself. You can't like someone you don't know. I tried to keep myself volatile, I tried not to get attached to anyone or anything, even to a worldview or an opinion. "If I don't settle down on Earth no one will be able to knock me down", that was my motto. What I was running away from was exactly what I needed to move towards recovery.