Funny thing happened last night. I was dreaming that I was in my typical relationship situation when I get involved and he says that he does not wanna commit right now. In this dream I exactly felt my automatic reaction: "omg, I screwed up, I should try harder, I did not give enough, I should be less demanding, I need to be more patient, I scared him off, etc etc". And then a strong voice in my head shouted "that's it, r-u-n!". So I told this guy that I think it's not what I wanted and it's not going to work, I got up and got determined to leave for good. He was surprised, he was upset, he was raging. Later in the dream I eventually fell for my typical reactions, but I think that was an improvement already.
I think it was just an implementation of what I've been telling myself recently a lot: when you see that the man you're with is not what you wanted - leave immediately. Don't try to make up for what's missing from his side, it's not your job.
There's even one more thing I understood from this dream - when you break up with someone you do it on your own. You don't do it together. You don't need a permission to break up. You don't need the confirmation from the other person. The other person does not have to agree with you at all. If after 3 months you see it's not gonna work, you don't have to wait 3 more months till the other person realises the same. The moment you decide to leave is the moment you can do it on your own. You don't need to check their reaction first, it just doesn't matter for your decision. Usually the relationship needs to get really crappy until both persons decide that it's better to break up. Why to wait till then? Why to sacrifice myself? A person who waits for consensus before breaking up is a perfect victim for a sadistic sociopath. Is a perfect target of manipulation and being taken advantage of. I'm done with toxic loyalty. I'm done with the "I'm not ready for relationship" crap, even if it comes wrapped in a shiny package.