Again, a regression. I should make some statistics about how often they happen. And about what the frequency of them means.
Today I feel this: there's something fundamentally broken about me. It's not about accessing suppressed emotions, or releasing childhood traumas. Okay that helps, okay that's one level deeper than DBT but still it's just addressing the symptoms not the cause.
I spoke with my mum the other day and I could not stop thinking how uncomfortable seeing her face and hearing her voice was making me feel. I asked myself what is it and it was: hatred. I saw her as hostile to me. Where does it come from? I can't come from nowhere. I see hostility in her face. If someone asked me to portrait a hateful hostile face it would be the one of my mum or dad. Isn't this creepy?
I know what this hostility is. It's how she hates her father. No wonder, seeing her mum beaten by him till bleeding on a daily basis. I understand it. This hatred leaves no place for remorse. No back door. No way out. And this is what I've been subjected to. I've experienced that hatred of no remorse, of no way out, probably as a replacement for her father. It's not something I can now get rid of, because it's true. This hatred is part of human nature. I'm fundamentally broken because I experienced something that I shouldn't have but something that is true. There's nothing to clarify there's no false reality - there's just too much of reality.
Maybe this is precisely what borderline is, and why it's said to be untreatable?