I often hear or read about taking care of the tone of voice which we use to think our thoughts in our head.
Makes a lot of sense, but there is one problem for me with that - I do not use words or sentences when I think, I do not use speech. I remember that as a kid I would, but then sometime at the university, I stopped. It was partially a conscious choice - I realised that I get less worked up and depressed when I do not repeat bad things to myself in my head. I also felt a bit embarassed for talking to myself in my head, especially when some words would slip out when I was alone - I did not know that most people actually do it too.
People ask me what do I use then, if I do not use words. Well, thoughts? Maybe the fact that I have studied mathematics has something to do with it. In the end it would not be possible to solve a mathematical problem using only speech. The actual thinking is required. I think this is the kind of thinking that I am using for my everyday life (maybe the name for it is abstract thinking). Another reason could be moving between countries - at one point I remember I was fed up with deciding on which language I should be thinking in.
So recently I started asking myself:
Is not using words for thinking good or bad?
On one hand it can be good, because words tend to be imprisoning. E.g. once I start telling myself "I am useless" I will very soon believe in it. Words are also often unable to express the full meaning of a feeling or an emotion, therefore I always thought that not using words means more freedom, more flexibility. It's like storing thoughts in RAW format in my brain, and compressing them to words only when I actually have to speak or write. It is also significantly faster to think without words (just as much as like reading silently is faster than reading aloud). It is also faster to write, as I form the sentences directly outside of me, instead of having to transfer (and censor) them from my mind to the outside.
But recently I have started asking myself - does it not also mean more chaos? Less feedback? If I do not think the words "I am useless", but instead I feel "I am useless", doesn't it create the same effect of believing in it? And if I never speak those words to myself, I may never realise that I have this habit. It's less transparency of my thoughts towards myself. It is also more chaos for the people who are recipients of my words. If I never actually formulate sentences in my head, when I do formulate them outside they do sound quite "unfiltered". No wonder.
Recently I am trying to move back to using words in my head. Maybe stopping using them was a bad solution to the problem of thinking bad about myself. Maybe I should have taken a closer look at my self talk instead of stopping it alltogether. I feel that since I stopped using words my self worth stopped getting worse, but it also did not get any better. It's like the problems froze.