I feel I'm again at the start. The calm feeling is long gone, the myself that I could see for a fraction of a second is just a vague bunch of anxious feelings now. I'm abusing the alcohol, cigarettes and again thinking about suicide.

My friends say I'm selfish because I'm trying to assert my feelings and my understanding of reality where I have been abused. They don't believe in it. They don't see how I could have stayed so long in a situation if I was indeed abused. They want me to feel more guilty and keep in mind other people's well being not only mine while I'm recovering. It drives me crazy. I'm switching between hate towards others and hate towards myself. I don't know who's right and who's wrong anymore. It feels that my friends will abandon me unless I go back to being my former self.

I see abusers and narcissists everywhere. My friends say I'm paranoid. But what if I'm indeed attracting such people? I feel that escaping one danger has put me in ten other dangers, because there's already a circle of similar men waiting to take an advantage of me. I wouldn't notice it before, now I see it clearly.

Even though I read that those two are typical symptoms of coming out of codependency and abuse, I'm full of anxiety, hate and fear. It feels like I'm regressing. It's not how I was imagining it. I imagined myself strong and my friends supporting me over bad times. Instead I'm just lying alone on the pavement vomiting with the promises of things eventually "being all right". Instead I am the bad one and the one who deserved it all.

I'm afraid of going back to how I was before. That would be the biggest failure possible.