I have made two mistakes, which costed me a slide back into severe depression, probably worse than ever. A step away from the end.
Mistake number 1: Isolation.
I wanted to work on myself and my codependency, so I kept myself form away from any social challenges or people with whom I had unpleasant interactions. Effect: moderate social isolation and deterioration of social skills, which further lead to even more decreased self confidence. Big mistake. Don't treat codependency on your own, or with books and youtube. Especially when you have other issues, which makes you not be able to judge people's intentions correctly. Social connection is what keeps you from dying, and challenge is what keeps you going. It's like going on fasting diet in order to eliminate food to which I am allergic. Not a sustainable strategy.
Mistake number 2: Becoming vulnerable.
Do not become vulnerable if you do not have an emotional filter nor a working replacement! That was completely wrong order. Yes, I was blocked for love and intimacy, but there was a reason for the fear to be there. Just removing the fear is quite a stupid idea when the reason for the fear is still there. And I knew that not everything is completely fixed, did I not? I only allowed people to hurt me deeper than ever. Yes, I did pretty good in unblocking myself. I can somatically feel the deep cut in my heart which cannot heal since 3 months now. With every move the wound is torn back open. I do not know how this can heal. I do not know what happens now.
And the block is now stronger than ever, further contributing to the isolation.
It is such a good analogy to my knee accident. I also wanted to learn skiing by myself, not to have anyone distracting me. I also broke the knee because I tried to ignore the fear. So what happened with the knee? I needed a lot of sustainable long term help from a good professional (that I found by miracle), plus I will definitely never ski again. But it is true that now my knee's functionality is better than before the accident.