I'm on to something. There's an attitude I go into when I want to get to know someone and get closer to someone. I start behaving as if we were already close. Brute force. This is how my mother was trying to get closer to me. And how did it feel? Terrible. It's like brute force hugging someone.
Wow I'm so happy I've noticed it. What's been seen cannot be unseen.
Maybe, maybe instead I just need to repeat the same approach I did at work. Endure and stand my ground, and not trust anything but facts. Think before speaking. Take time for myself when I feel shaky. Never put my emotions on someone. Never assume anything about what someone thinks. Never speak from the position of confusion or uncertainty. Gently confront others when their behavior made me feel disrespected. Constantly evaluate if someone respects me and adjust my behavior to it. Rely on no one but myself. And prepare for periods of time of being completely in the dark. And most important, repeat to myself few times per day that people tend to be good in general.