Vacation in an amazing place with two best friends and I feel like shit. I wonder if before I learned to observe myself in a non-critical way I would even notice that I feel shitty, ie if I would be able to make such statement or would I just feel shitty.
Some ideas about why I feel so:
Funny enough, I've noticed that one of my friends has narcissistic behaviours and the other has codependent behaviours; just behaviours though, but since I'm their friend and they've not been friends themselves before, I'm acting as an amortizer for both; great isn't it? I've managed to detonate my one emotional trigger which was them giving me constant advice and telling what to think: I did a visualisation exercise and found out why it bothered me so much and now the tension is much less.. But still I feel constantly pushed around and not allowed to be who I want to be. Funny, how I feel with my both friends is how I felt with mum and dad. Waiting for a moment when they both enjoy themselves so that I can breathe for a moment. Fearing any difficulties as I know I'll suffer.
Another thing is that even when I'm not on guard I cannot enjoy. I know I should enjoy the amazing place but just feel like "so what". Before when I was not impressed with something I could always say "I'm not that easily impressed" but now I'm looking at the "bests" in the world and I'm at the same time astonished and not able to enjoy or even show any kind of excitement. One reason why may be that I feel I don't deserve it. Another may be that I have no one to emotionally share it with, which would mean codependency. I used to enjoy more when I was young but I don't think that getting older is the reason. The only thing that changes with age is less anticipation. Maybe I could never enjoy, maybe I was just mistaking anticipation for joy.
I've also made one important discovery that I can very well apply to myself: when people are stuck in "I told you, why no one ever listens to me!" mode it means that they are totally depleted by their own tendency not to listen to themselves; when they too often say "no one counts with my opinion" it means they're bothered by the fact that they are not able to act according to their opinions. So it just confirms the rule that when people say something too often it says more about them than the others.
I also realise that I have to, just have to move on to what I was meant to be in this life. I'm not doing what I want and I'm not who I wanted to be. The option to just give up and live a calm okayish life where I wouldn't bother anyone is just-not-an-option. I know it only intellectually now, I need to move it to emotionally and then find the courage to do it. Don't know yet how but that's the only way to go.
Some components I need:
  • fix my self esteem (don't confuse with self confidence) - this I start by treating myself well, next maybe affirmations (blah), then no idea
  • keep up inspiration - this I do by doing art, painting, improv, dancing, never compromise on that
  • don't allow other people to destroy me - at any cost stay away from jerks; use gray rock technique towards my narcissistish friend when she's in a bad mood; put clear boundaries; when necessary spend time alone
It's really tough on this trip. Whenever one of my friends crosses a boundary and I realise I have not reacted like I should have, I refer to the situation later and explain how it made me feel and what I think I should have said. Maybe it's a bad tactic? As all I get in response is anger and blaming. Sometimes I wish I was alone on this trip. I'm losing my energy. I don't know how to stop it. Can't keep my boundaries in real time, only in retrospect.
I'm not sure if I'm getting anywhere with my codependency recovery to be honest:
  • On the first day I walked much more than I should with my knee condition to the point that I couldn't walk - because I was afraid to upset them by asking to go slower or looking grumpy if I skip any part of the trip
  • On the second day I woke up before everyone (even though I was super underslept) because I was too scared that they wake up before me and are angry that I delay their going to the beach
  • I went to the restaurant and ordered food which I didn't want to eat as I was not hungry
  • When I woke up before everyone else and did the shopping for all of us, all I did till they woke up was freaking out that someone may not like the kind of generic sauce I bought for all of us
  • I have not eaten when I was hungry as one of my friends openly said she considers it stupid to eat when there are such nice views
  • I have not been reading the book I wanted on the beach because I was afraid I'll look mean to do my own stuff
  • I am not exercising my knee and risking getting 4 months behind my physiotherapy as I am afraid to look antisocial if I lock myself in the room to exercise
  • I'm afraid to say anything as any original thought or opinion is instantly criticised my the narcissistish friend

Some achievements:
  • I picked the single room even though the other two know themselves less
  • I consistently make myself second breakfast to take it to the beach
  • I told my friends I decided not to go on the hike but stay home alone, because of the knee