My mum just sent it to me. I showed it to a friend, she said it's cute. She didn't see what I saw. And what I see in this video is frightening. Perhaps remembering that situation influences the fact that I notice what others don't.
First of all I feel humiliated. By being forced to dance in front of camera which idea I didn't like. I think it's not morally ok to wish to be in the center of attention. I am not shy, I am just doing something that is against my core values. Second of all, all my moves are restricted. You can see on my face that there's this process going in loops on my head:
  • I look up on the ceiling to find some inspiration from the music
  • In one moment I like the music, I minimally smile and I have the reflex to move to the music; I either do few enthusiastic moves or not even that before the next thought comes
  • I do a fast blink at the camera (my mother), I realise having fun is not what I should perhaps do, so I stop myself immediately; it's like a block
  • I'm looking down for a few milliseconds while thinking how I should be moving and I execute the movement I remember my mum told me to do, which comes out very mechanically; I remember hating it for being girlish while my father hated women; that is the moment when I feel humiliated; like an animal in the zoo
  • I look to the left where my father would be, not interested in the whole thing; I'm making sure he didn't see that as I'm feeling ashamed of my girlish moves and myself; I can clearly see my own fear in that look to the side, it was like the primitive scan for any hidden predators
  • I feel embarrassed and guilty for feeling ashamed while I should look adorable on the camera, and I bite my lips together, I feel like I want to stop but I just slow down instead
  • My eyes become emotionless and empty - I dissociate; you can see the relief on my face; that phase lasts as long as all the other ones together
  • Then I go back to the point one
And this is how my dancing sequence looked like. It's actually how my childhood felt. I look at myself there on they video and the only association is: hostage. I think of those videos the kidnappers make to show it to the family of the kidnapped to get money.
And then I look at the video with my mother's eyes and I hear: "oh she's so cute. But she doesn't have the 'feel' for the music her sister does. I've been trying to suggest her some simple moves to start with. What is wrong with that daughter. There's clearly something not right but I can't put my finger on it. Ah why does she do it to me?! Couldn't she just be at least a bit like other children? What did I do wrong? Ah I'm a terrible mother I shouldn't think like this about my own child. I should love her as she is. And show her I love how she dances. Yes I'll be encouraging and I'll remind her of the moves.". That's what I thought she thought back then.