Vipassana mediation is a technique discovered by Buddha. I understand it as a way of deep self discovery on a subconscious level. There are 10 day rigorous courses all over the world when one can learn it. I have just completed one. I will not write things about Vipassana that can be easily found anywhere else on the Internet. I want to write how I understood this technique and what I see valuable in it for me at this point. Please keep in mind that it's all just my personal perspective and understanding.
The main idea is that the emotions are responses to the subconscious mind, which in turn knows only about the body sensations. According to this theory (as for me it's still a theory) subconscious mind is blind, deaf, it has no feel of touch, cannot smell, cannot taste, and is completely unaware of the owner's thoughts. It is also unaware of any other people or the world around. Only the body sensations. So how is this connected to the outside world? All the senses: sight, sound, touch, smell, taste and thoughts (yes thoughts are considered there as sixth sense) produce some kind of body sensation. And those sensations are then picked up by the subconscious mind, which assesses it as "good" or "bad" and produces an appropriate emotion. The process of emotion arising happens so fast from the moment of stimuli to the moment of emotion that we usually don't notice this process. Another reason is that we simply don't pay attention to it (it's called "ignorance" there). Vipassana is about learning to pay attention to it without generating new emotions. And then bizarre things happen.
One thing that I experienced is that there's definitely an independent entity inside of me, still feels very fuzzy to me, but it's what takes all the momentary decisions for me, without any interest about what I think about it.
It felt scary. It's like realising you've been all this time on an autopilot, against your will. It makes you question whether you actually can trust yourself (actually I knew I can't but now I could really feel why). I also gained some "feel" for this independent entity. I see it as having been locked in a completely dark room for 10 days, tripping over the furniture, touching around and then being let out. I have now some impression about the room but I have not actually seen it. But now I know it exists. Not because I read it somewhere but because I felt it. I think this is the subconscious mind. And this mind is quick. Is reactive. Is biological, it feels like tissues raising and falling because of blood running through veins underneath, warm and sticky. It's remorseless. It could hurt someone it could kill. It does not think, it only acts. Mechanically. It's personless, does not have an indentity, does not have personality. It's not at all like me. Feels anonymous. It has no concern for other people, as other people don't exist in its reality. Somewhere I heard that "there's a criminal inside each of us", this is so true in regard to this realisation.
Second thing that's supposed to happen while practicing Vipassana is that your mind gets "purified" from negativity. The idea is that you're spending a lot of time on feeling your body sensations (or lack of them) without judging or reacting to them - which is something your subconscious mind is very not used to. As a result it will eventually start bringing up old emotions, traumas, negative beliefs. Apparently if you manage not to react to those either, they get permanently removed. I am not sure if I got there. I did have 2 bigger emotional breakdowns but it's hard to say if it was connected to Vipassana (in the end for a Borderline this breakdowns or freakouts happen all the time). I noticed that for the second one when I tried hard not to react it actually passed away within few minutes and left no trace of it. I was crying but without tears. And indeed since a week I have not had this particular negative thought, but it could also be a coincidence1.
Another thing that happens because of feeling your body and not reacting to the sensations is that you learn (the hard way) that everything passes away, nothing is permanent. Few times a day you're requested to sit for 1h without moving or opening your eyes. It hurts. Something is getting numb. After 45 minutes the time seems to stand still. Something is itching. It's really remarkable that for the first time in my life I experienced the end of itching without having scratched the place.
Itching passes away on its own!
That was a huge discovery :D also the impatience is not permanent. If after 10 minutes I feel like I can't take it anymore it does not mean that after 20 more minutes I won't be super engaged in the experience. Provided I don't start dwelling on how I can't do it anymore. Provided I don't start feeling guilty for being impatient. Just take everything in and observe, without trying to judge or change the reality. Yes, it is a true mindfuck to keep on trying to do this.
One thing not connected to the meditation that happened to me on this course is that it made so many other problems of mine visible. When you're locked there without permission to talk with anyone, spending all your time introvertically, no distractions allowed - you actually have the time to notice things. Self reflection happens, not about the past but about every day situations you experience there. It becomes a sample of the "typical you", and this sample even though so small, brings you so much information. And because we're all the time taught there not to react to anything, not to judge as "good" or "bad", I guess it was easier for me to take those realisations in.
I also understood, but really understood
how bad habit it is to roll in your own misery, or to keep on working yourself up.
I knew that people say it's unhealthy, but also sweets are unhealthy, cigarettes are unhealthy, gossiping is unhealthy, it's the reality we live in that we do unhealthy things. But no, rolling in one's own misery or anger is exponentially bad. It's unspeakably bad. It really spoke to me when Goenka said in the video "Someone hurt you 5 years ago and you're suffering for all those 5 years thinking how this person could hurt you so much. This person didn't want to keep hurting you for 5 years, they wanted to hurt you only once. All the other hurting you have only at your own wish. Madness.". So true.. Every suffering results in more suffering. Self inflicted suffering is the most stupid thing that one can do. It's like extinguishing the fire with gasoline..
One thing I didn't quite get is that supposedly not only negative feelings are dangerous but also the pleasant ones. Because if one experiences something pleasant they start to crave it, and that again makes the person a slave of the sensation. I can definitely imagine situations where this could be true, but I can also imagine a lot of positive experiences that I wouldn't like to exchange for indifference. In the end I am sometimes able to eat a dessert and fully enjoy it without craving for more. Is that also bad? Well maybe the Buddha teaching doesn't fully speak to me on this level of spiritual development yet ;)
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1) an update after 6 weeks: I think it worked; I still do have the habitual thoughts but they do not produce the pain they used to produce; I think it's just the old neural pathways getting activated, but withuot emotional reinforcement they do get weaker with time