Definitely interesting to meet the people I used to hang out with when I lived here. I wrote once about avatars and categorizing people, about finding an equivalent of one person in another place, and this being a narcissistic trait of mine. Well maybe I was not so correct. Maybe I indeed tended to pick strikingly same kinds of people. Or they pick me. I've been observing them for last few days and I see some common traits (each person having 1-2 of them):
  • not very attentive of their surroundings and other people's needs
  • knowing better what I think
  • disorganized to the point of making it almost impossible to meet
Which puts me in situations I've been so much feeling like as a child!
As the result, what I've been constantly feeling around them was:
  • irritation
  • guilt
  • fear
  • anxiety
Gosh, no wonder I was depressed here! Any human interaction was at such a high cost, no wonder I've been preferring to spend time by myself, which does bring me down after longer periods of time. And it's not me that was the cause of feeling so, it is their behaviour, and sometimes their behaviour triggering my codependency issues. Who would not feel pissed if someone can't put their shit together to give you the info so that you can plan your trip? Who would not find it scary if they never knew what to expect from people? Who with codependency would not feel responsible of taking care of someone who clearly cannot take care of themselves? Who would not feel guilty if they were not able to take care of someone they're responsible for? Who would not feel angry if they had to always agree on doing what others want but not what they want?
I have also been noticing my typical patterns of reactions to such situations and I am trying to break them. Those attempts are so pathetic but still I try. For example not inviting someone over to meeting with someone else, not waiting for someone who was over 1 hour late, asking for giving me a ride somewhere, saying "yes" when someone asks if I'm hungry, letting them pay when they want to pay.. I wrote it's pathetic as I don't really know what I'm doing, I feel like I'm second guessing myself, guessing what I want. But I have definitely seen some moments on that trip where choosing my own benefit prevented me from collapsing completely in a freakout hours later. So it does make sense. Deep inside I feel shocked that no one came to me shouting at me that I'm selfish and not responsible enough. It's interesting to see that I can actually do this.
What I want to say is that it's still a lot of work.