It is very frustrating to make such a step backwards like I did in last months. I am watching the video of Richard Grannon, the "Cure to CPTSD" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHREvAiAnCs. And I am also thinking that..
I think I know why I crashed so badly. I went wrong about the whole thing. The misconception that led me here, that comes from the general opinion is that it is about "being strong" and "trying hard enough". No, this does not work so simply. I was trying and trying and getting somewhere, but as soon as I stopped to take a breath, I was back in point 0.
It is nice how he separates the components needed to recover in that video. I think some of them I completely missed, while focusing on the others, which may have put me into a vicious downward spiral.
The components, with how far I think I got in each of them (comparing to where now I imagine I should be):
  • Emotional Literacy - 75%
  • Mental Toughness aka Resilience - resilience on certain subjects - mostly self identity and emotional intimacy - 0%
  • Re Parenting - self praise - 0%
  • State Management - cannot feel nor express my needs - 10%
  • Critical Thinking aka Boundaries - e.g. attachment trauma - feeling the feelings of others' as if they were yours, and thinking others feel what you feel - it's both saying no, but also to ask people to give you something - 10%
  • Emotional Flashback Management - 40%
I have focused on emotions. Emotional literacy and flashback management. So how to recover from a hit and how to know why the hit happened, and to understand why it hurts. But no skills related to avoiding the hit and defending myself against it. No skills to decrease the amount of hits and my sensitivity to them. I made myself less scared of a danger but not more able to deal with it. That is a completely wrong order, and really it stems from the conviction that "there is no real danger, it is all in your head!". Oh no, there IS THE DANGER, and it is deadly!