I just woke up from a dream. I was with my first boyfriend, my only love, on a family trip - with my family. We were not a couple in that dream because I knew he had his own family now. But he felt really close to me. He was like an old good friend, or a brother, because I'd feel totally comfortable with sharing bed with him and there was no sexual attempts. At the same time I felt he's still attractive to me. In that dream. Not only physically, but also the way he speaks, thinks, the way he is. But mostly I thought I respect him, I trust him, I wish he's happy, I am grateful he found the time for me, I will be there whenever he needs me ..
.. now I woke up and I realised I feel something in my body as a remainder from this dream. It is in my heart. It's a bit uncomfortable. It's either fear or gratitude. Funny I find gratitude a difficult emotion btw, but it is so. And just a weird improvisational thought occurred to me: what if it's love?
I tried to recall the past a bit and yes, it seems that is the feeling I mostly felt around him, in my body. It's amazing, I made a trip in time, with my current improved awareness of the body, and I could see what I felt in the past. Because the main problem in this relationship was that I didn't know if I loved him. And I often wondered what if I could now travel to the past and do a body scan. So yes now I have this feeling in my heart after waking up. I analyzed it again and it goes like this:
"It is not my call to decide for you what you'll do. I wish all the best for you. You're absolutely amazing. Each time I see you I feel lucky I can have you around. You can leave any time. You're beautiful. I love watching you. You inspire me. You make me realise how unique and fragile life is, because I realise how easy it would be to lose you. I'm happy and I'm cursed for having met you. But I regret nothing".
That's the feeling. How is this not love? I think that's could very well be love.
What was missing for me to call it love, and what I remember I thought I'm missing back then in order to love him, and why I was breaking up:
  • I don't feel I own you. You have your own life. I don't have anything to say regarding the clothes you wear today. I do not know which perfume suits you best so I can't make you a perfume gift. I don't mind if you wear a suit or a tracksuit. I don't care what you eat. I don't mind if we like different movies. I don't care if our IQs are totally different. I don't mind if I don't feel like hanging out with your friends.
  • I don't want that you are with me no matter what, in fact if another woman is better for you I want you to be with that woman.
  • I don't need you to love me, though staying with you if you don't love me is not an option and leaving you would hurt me. But I want that you are free to do what you want.
  • I don't crave you. When I'm with you I feel amazing and when I'm not with you I daydream about the next time we meet. But I don't need you "here and now". I want you, but I don't need you.
Those were the reasons why I thought it's not love. It's crazy isn't it? I see exactly where I was confused with the way my parents loved me and where the mainstream understanding of love was kicking in.
I have not felt this way towards anyone since then. Maybe the breakup really was so traumatic that I shut off this part of myself? I got the "love" I was missing back then and ask I can tell is that it's shit.