Why do women fall for bad boys? Because they didn't have good fathers.

I have been focusing a lot on mindfulness recently and all I write below is not backed up by any research, psychological theory or any important name - it is coming solely from my own introspection. But, because I'm human, and I bet that I'm not that special as compared to other humans, and because my relationships related problems are similar to the problems that a certain group of other people has - I believe that what I observed about myself may very well be the case for someone else.

If, as a baby girl, you had a father who was abusive - either physically or emotionally, you will be primed to mistake abuse for love. He did not have to beat you, it's enough that he'd brush you off, ridicule you, or even just distance himself emotionally. Knowing that your father - the one who models your future relationships - does not respect you, makes your brain develop in a way that it later connects not being respected with being loved. It just grows this way. There's nothing you could do about it, it's just how our bodies are programmed to evolutionarily develop.

Sometimes it takes a lot of time, luck and perseverance to see the childhood abuse for what it was. It takes even more effort to see how fear tricks you into sexual excitement. And with enough patience the following can be observed:

  • The adrenaline rush you feel seeing that man that you just recently got a crush on is actually your body's reaction to danger. It's fear not infatuation. Your body reacts correctly, your learned response is wrong. Notice the thought pattern. Notice how romantic idea of love kicks in to justify the alert feeling. The function of this romantic narrative is to make sense of the current situation and the abusive daddy who loved you. And I came to I suspect that this feeling always means you're getting into deep shit, unless you're a teenager.
  • The amazement you feel towards him, the beauty you see in him, this "something" he just has inside, this aura around him - take a closer look, it is the aura of his self centeredness. You feel it because you're very sensitive to other people's feelings. When you have just suddenly noticed him and now you're observing him when he's not aware - be sure he is aware. You did not notice him, he - the narcissist - made himself visible to you, visible in the right moment, visible in the way that will trigger the desire in you to be the one who shows him what the real love is - because you will be convinced that he is the one who deserves so much more than he's getting from life. You think you two are meant to be together because you see this "something" in him that others don't see. You see it because he's shown you what you want to see. Because you're the target.
  • The sudden uncertainty you feel towards him, the worrying that he may not like you back, especially when normally you're a rather self confident person; the feeling that makes you feel like a clumsy teenager again - it's not because he's so desirable, it's because he's been very subtly putting you down and already dismantling your self esteem. You can put someone down by doing something as simple as inconsistently not looking at them when they are talking to you. By ignoring their text message. Suddenly appearing aloof. It's not him being better than you, it's him thinking that you're worse than him - and again, because you're so sensitive you take his output as your input. Notice how your thought processes justify the fact that you feel worse kind of human around him. You think you put him on a pedestal while it's him who put you into a shit pit. It's all a matter of the perspective. Maybe you're not looking up to him, maybe it's him who looks down at you.

Why are we buying all that shit? Why are codependents so primed to interpret everything wrong? The more red flags there are the more we seem to make some twisted sense of them, in order to believe that this is the perfect partner.

I believe it's because of the amazing property of human brain to fill in the gaps. To try to always make sense of the reality, no matter how twisted it seems. It's because of its ability to reorganise around injuries. The childhood abuse was the injury. As the result the whole concept of love has been shifted towards abuse. One thing dragged the other and what codependents/empaths who are serially dating narcissists experience is nothing crazy, it's very logical and natural given the way their brain has formed.

I don't think it's some wrong way of thinking, some wrong attitude, some wrong beliefs - it's the actual wiring of the brain. You give the right thinking to a healthy person - they will find a healthy partner, you give the right thinking to a codependent - they will find a narcissist. Good advice from friends is not enough. That's why we keep on getting our friends so frustrated. That is why the people who do not have this problem do not understand us.

I am myself meeting quite many of the borderline diagnostic criteria, which is psychologically similar to narcissism - and I also wonder if some of the very same mechanisms do not work with me when I accidentally make some man crazy about me. I have in mind especially the aura of self centeredness, that I wrote about here. Actually, have I not realised this about myself in the first place, never would I notice it in the men I feel attracted to. But it's a fact.