I had a dream that I was about to be raped, and realised I cannot move. I forced myself to wake up. Interesting skill to wake up by yourself, it seems it gets exercised over time. I wasn't aware I was sleeping but I was aware I cannot move so I did what I did already when trying to wake up.
The last thing remember is a male creepy voice whispering to my ear in German "sleeep..".
After I woke up I realised something about my life: I live in a resistance, a glass wall separating me from the real point of my life, and I push this glass wall with my body weight, my palms, in order to continue living like I am. I realised that my living abroad I am making an irreversible choice to stay disconnected from my family. I realised that I am not understanding that life should not be about pushing things away from, you but about going with the flow - which I will never be able to do when living abroad, as while living abroad I will always have to be on guard. In the end the best example of going with the flow is dying. I will not be able to die in peace I realised.
I realised I do not have access to this level of thinking in my normal everyday life, as if during normal day I was permanently in a state similar to being drunk. I realised one day I will regret this a lot.
I can't access this feeling anymore, I only recorded the conclusions I made before I returned to my normal "drunk" state.