If someone told you that you can now describe how you want your life to look like, and whatever you envision would become true. Would you dare doing it? Like, really, not just giving some limited statement like "I want to be rich", no, what if you were given the chance to architect everything, down to substantial detail, with total freedom, but nothing in isolation from the rest. Happy marriage? In which way happy, what do you want that is there exactly between you? How does he treat you? What do you do together? Good job? How do you want to feel in that job? What challenges do you encounter there? You want to be slim? How do you deal with other people being jealous of your figure? How would you embrace your new self image, not being able to say that people don't show sympathy to you because of your looks anymore? Would you like to have achieved this body by hard work to have a feeling of accomplishment? Travel the world? What kind of experiences would you like to have, and in which ways would you like that they help you grow as a human? Wanna change the world? Wanna have the courage? Would you be able to take the risks that come with it?
When I am asking myself those questions I realise that my wish for happiness is very shallow, very superficial. Yes, I want a good relationship, good job, and have a fulfilling life. But I rarely go beyond what it actually means to me. Not to someone else, but to me, that is the trick. I have never really defined it for myself. How would a good relationship for me look like, starting from there. I only feel panic when I am asking myself this question, when I imagine that here I have a goldfish in front of me who wants to make my wish come true and I just have to formulate my wish. I would be afraid that anything that I think I want is not what I actually want, or that it is too much to want. I would like to do thrive, but I do not actually have the courage to ask myself what I really want, and I don't feel like I am allowed to want.
No wonder I am stuck.
I wonder if other people feel the same. I have a suspicion that many people would not dare to decide on how they want to be happy.