So many little mechanisms in one's head are difficult to identify. I just realised one more: an online course where they say that at the end everyone will get a grade in the Proof of Achievements document. My instant thought went something like that:
"Ah they are talking about just regular people, but of course if they knew that it is me who is watching them they would know that most likely such proof of achievements document will not even be necessary because I have to score 100% anyway. Of course they would know that if they could see me as they of course know me. I am sure that this pause they made was because they thought about me as an exception, but then would not say it aloud of course. Now I know that they know."
And right after that:
"Omg what if I do not score 100%?! I am sure they would loathe me and hate me, they don't even assume such a possibility that I could score less than 100%. But what if I do not manage?! Ah it's a matter of life and death now, I have to put all my life aside and focus on getting 100%, or everyone will find out that I am an impostor, and everyone will hate me, event the people who have nothing to do with the course."
I am so happy to have realised those little thoughts. But really, what the f.. ?! How much stress and pressure it is to have such thoughts. And I know exactly where that comes from.
In the end wasn't it a type of mobbing what my mother was doing - going to the teachers and making me the "special case genius misunderstood kid", and later telling me that she has spoken with them and they already have special expectations towards me? What a brainfuck! Trying to make me feel personally responsible for the well-being of the teacher, trying to make me believe that their well-being depends on my grade exclusively. What a nonsense! She was trying to extend her authority and threat of withdrawing her love if I do not behave as she pleases to the teacher, so that her manipulation could continue even when she wasn't around. And she succeeded, brilliantly.
I have not appreciated her. Smart beast. That's really dangerous: a parent who is smart and emotionally disturbed at the same time. I see how it all stemmed from her alcoholic childhood - the need to control the environment and feeling that if she doesn't do it, everything will just collapse. And also I see how she misses completely the intimate human side, as if people were just input-output robots, pretty much like Pavlov dogs.