Showing all posts tagged #childhood:
Sliding
Posted on May 31st, 2017
In moments like now.. very down. I'm thinking that I am so alone that it's almost incomprehensible. And it is very hard indeed to give support or self-compassion to myself. All I can feel towards myself is disgust. Me is this stupid little thing runnin...
I like the smell of car oil
Posted on May 28th, 2017
I like the smell of car oil. It makes me feel alive. I also like the smell of freshly cut wood. And also the autumn and the smell of apples and burned leaves - then I feel I belong.
And I like the sound of thunders. Thunderstorms make me feel like not...
Distance relationship
Posted on May 28th, 2017
I've always dreamt of a successful distant one. I even thought it would be great to have children in this manner - me in Europe, he in Asia, Africa, South America, whatever.. Meeting three times per year for an awesome sex in a limited frame of intimac...
Schema therapy - first impressions
Posted on May 15th, 2017
I think that now I start to get what schema therapy is about.
As an adult I often had that unresolved feeling of wanting someone to have said something in the past. To have said something when I was feeling bad, neglected or ridiculed by my parents. I...
Self compassion - maybe getting there
Posted on May 8th, 2017
Today it strucked me: as a toddler - sitting alone in my room, because I'm a low maintenance child. In kindergarten playing alone because I was too traumatized to risk initiating a contact with another child, and no adult gave a shit about noticing me ...
The child observation test
Posted on May 2nd, 2017
I really wonder how much could a simple technique of watching a little child interact with their parents in a healthy way serve as a therapeutic method. I've been doing that with the same baby girl over a few years now, and have just seen her again. Th...
The origins of suicidal ideation
Posted on May 2nd, 2017
The topic of CPTSD turns out to be very fertile when it comes to new discoveries. I have for example just learned where the since-always-present relieving idea of killing myself came from. It's actually a result of feeling so terrible and shitty as a t...
Pain
Posted on May 1st, 2017
It's getting so clear for me: what I feel and what I think (even without words) during an emotional flashback, and where exactly it comes from childhood. I can decompose it, deconstruct it, analyse it, but I can't change it.
It's feelings of shame and...
Primal attraction
Posted on April 19th, 2017
RAW THOUGHTS
I am still going deeper into watching my inner world closely. I noticed something strange recently, looking at people trying to improvise a dance.
I realised I felt compulsive attraction to some people when I looked at their movements, bo...
Digging inside yourself pays off
Posted on March 19th, 2017
I don't know if it is a long lasting effect of Vipassana, or the fact that I have actually decided that I do want to get better. Cross that out, I want to recover, regardless of what it takes.
Nothing happens without a reason. Stupid Bollywood movie a...
