Primal attraction
Posted on April 19th, 2017
RAW THOUGHTS
I am still going deeper into watching my inner world closely. I noticed something strange recently, looking at people trying to improvise a dance.
I realised I felt compulsive attraction to some people when I looked at their movements, bo...
Codependent love - video
Posted on April 19th, 2017
A brilliant video from Lisa A. Romano about the constant emotional swing of the codependent relationship: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihwioTSGLC.
It's so good to know that what I have always experienced as the norm in relationships is actually a p...
Shaking
Posted on April 18th, 2017
I thought it's just weird neurological reaction or maybe I'm cold, but it is actually a way for the body of releasing suppressed emotions. So whenever it happens while e.g. talking about something that feels significant it's a good sign!
The brain stores memories with no emotions attached
Posted on April 18th, 2017
.. in hippocampus, and amygdala reacts to those memories with emotions when the memories are recalled.
I just read this somewhere. But hey this means that the emotions are dynamically generated each time a memory is accessed. How come that each time I...
Integrate not alienate
Posted on April 17th, 2017
It is a known phenomenon that borderlines often end up in relationships with narcissists. Yes that's what I read after my breakup and it was not helpful at all: to know that my suffering was to be predicted. That I'm just a part of the statistic. Some ...
Changes, changes
Posted on April 17th, 2017
I saw a woman in a billboard advertising underwear. Something new: instead of hearing the subconscious message "she's a whore", "she's pathetic", "she's a stupid cunt", I just thought "she looks happy". Wow. Completely different situation than usual. S...
Vipassana field test
Posted on April 17th, 2017
Provided you're used to silence, cleaningness and order. After attending Vipassana 10 day course try India. Or south Italy. Notice the shitload of unpleasant body sensations. Try not to react with getting irritated nor with suppressing the irritation. ...
The narcissist in me
Posted on April 16th, 2017
When I read the diagnostic criteria of narcissism I do not see it so clearly, but when I watch the videos about narcissism I find many of the mentioned characteristics in myself. I'm not even sure if they strictly belong to narcissism or maybe just to ...
The pain
Posted on April 14th, 2017
RAW THOUGHTS
I'm lying down. Feeling. The pain that has been there always. The tearing me apart sadness. The bottomless loneliness. All my life I've been dissociating from it, I've been giving it other names, creating concepts around it, building my id...
Power
Posted on April 10th, 2017
And I have almost forgotten that I am powerful. I grow through creative acts of making music, painting, and dance. I grow through my determination, physical exercise when I'm pushing my body to the limit. I am myself by walking into a cold lake just be...
Q1 Checkpoint
Posted on April 10th, 2017
Let's make a checkpoint, a summary of the progress I made since December 2016.
I have learned that:
I am a classical codependent and this causes so much stress in my life, prevents me from knowing who I am and what I want; I have been always strugglin...
The lifetime's discovery
Posted on April 6th, 2017
I was writing some time ago that the emotions are never wrong, but I made it explicit that I am writing only about basic emotions. And now I am thinking.. in fact no emotions are wrong. In fact one cannot tell that the other's perception of reality, wa...
No more friendships that feel like charity
Posted on April 6th, 2017
Why have I been doing it to myself? Trying to be there for anyone who may need anything from me. It has exhausted me beyond measure. It would not cross my mind now. To offer friendship to someone who has exploited me in every possible way, just in case...
Parents' shadows
Posted on April 2nd, 2017
It just occurred to me. Take everything your father made you think about yourself, comprehend this mental picture, grab it all with your mind, and then firmly tell yourself "that was an illusion", "that was not true", "this is NOT me". Imagine getting ...
Joy of life
Posted on March 30th, 2017
I do have it in me. I didn't realise. Such moments I'd brush off by thinking "oh I'm just crazy", or "I'm just stupid". Isn't it because my father would always put me down when I was too enthusiastic? I made this connection: happy=naive. What the heck?...
Love at first sight
Posted on March 29th, 2017
Instant attraction towards a newly met person. It does not have to feel like love from the beginning. But soon you find yourself thinking about this person too much, almost obsessing about them, craving their company, I guess you just fell in love? No ...
Schema therapy - the beginning
Posted on March 29th, 2017
Okay so after a few sessions I just got the first verballisable impression of what it is about. DBT improves the behavioral patterns, and schema therapy tries to heal the faulty emotional response patterns that lie below the behavioral misadaptation. O...
'Borderline does not recover'
Posted on March 29th, 2017
I watched some more videos by the narcissist, Sam Vaknin, and he claims that "narcissists and borderlines do not recover". They can do the therapy to learn behavioral tricks in order to function better (this I agree with, that DBT potential is limited)...
How to recognise a narcissist
Posted on March 24th, 2017
I was watching a youtube video by Sam Vaknin, the famous narcissist / sociopath who is spreading the awareness about his disorder. He gave a very good advice on how to recognise a narcissist.
He said that there is an emerging phenomenon nowadays where...
'Could there be another reason for this behaviour?'
Posted on March 24th, 2017
This one comes from DBT. It is a technique that allows you to think of other interpretations of people's behaviour, in order to calm yourself down when you get strangely extreme emotions about someone's behaviour towards you that you interpreted as neg...
Dissociation
Posted on March 24th, 2017
People learn fast. It is a well known effect of a traumatic experience that cannot be escaped (e.g. rape): dissociation. A person escapes inside their head because they cannot escape physically. Is an abusive childhood a traumatic experience that canno...
Why emotions are so scary
Posted on March 24th, 2017
I heard it somewhere recently and have thought about it for some time, and now that I am sure that it is true I want to write it.
Emotions from the past seem so scary, because we were just children when we were first encountered them!
I am writing he...
Can a culture enable emotional disorders
Posted on March 23rd, 2017
It often makes me wonder: a country doing so well economically yet still such a high percentage of smokers. I don't have to look into the statistics, seeing people outside means seeing people smoking.
Smoking helps suppressing emotions. German culture...
Observing people - disconnected from their bodies
Posted on March 23rd, 2017
I think I'm not aware how acutely I am aware of how everyone around me feels (it's part of my "codependency training" as a kid). I have to separate myself from this overwhelming information to make it possible for myself to go through my day. I think t...
Digging inside yourself pays off
Posted on March 19th, 2017
I don't know if it is a long lasting effect of Vipassana, or the fact that I have actually decided that I do want to get better. Cross that out, I want to recover, regardless of what it takes.
Nothing happens without a reason. Stupid Bollywood movie a...
Nothing happens without a reason
Posted on March 17th, 2017
In this post I will try to connect many topics. The ridiculed "secret" rule, which says that it is enough to think of something to make it happen. The religions' idea that says that God knows our future. The "destiny" concept that says that the future ...
Freaking out in relationships
Posted on March 17th, 2017
That is one problem that has been bothering me a lot - when I get into a relationship I very soon start getting paranoid that this person does not care or that they will leave me and then I start freaking out - which is making the relationship impossib...
The power of emotional breakdown
Posted on March 15th, 2017
In 2015 I have been to Rainbow Family gathering. On the outside it looks like a sort of a hippie community, but in fact it has everything to do with facilitating generally understood spiritual development. It's not a sect. It's a group of like minded p...
