Nicotine patches
Posted on March 14th, 2017
I'm starting to suspect nicotine patches as the cause of my regression. More specifically that I stopped taking them. Once I started again everything calmed down. Coincidence? Is it possible that such a stupid thing could cause a major mental imbalance...
Total regression
Posted on March 13th, 2017
I feel I'm again at the start. The calm feeling is long gone, the myself that I could see for a fraction of a second is just a vague bunch of anxious feelings now. I'm abusing the alcohol, cigarettes and again thinking about suicide.
My friends say I...
The border of Borderline
Posted on March 8th, 2017
After getting to know a certain disordered person a bit closer and a lot of reading I start to doubt whether I actually have a personality disorder. In the end most of the symptoms of Borderline is just human reactions to certain pain. What if I just h...
Feeling the unpleasant
Posted on March 4th, 2017
Yes in the end paying attention to the unpleasant feelings was worth it. First I noticed that I'm feeling down, then I noticed that there was this particular emotion wearing me down, then I asked myself where it was in the body, then I forgot about the...
'Force yourself'
Posted on March 3rd, 2017
Just recently I remembered that this is what my mother was telling to me as a child whenever I did not feel like doing something that I should. I just stopped now and realised how insidious this was.
"Force yourself!"
She would not say "you should do...
The problem with 'loving yourself'
Posted on March 1st, 2017
Many sources say that to heal from emotional pain of childhood one has to learn to love themselves. But there is a fundamental problem with that:
I can't love someone I do not know.
Even more, I can't love someone when I do not even know that they ex...
Mad eyes
Posted on March 1st, 2017
Today about the topic of mad eyes. Of a man looking at me with rage on his face and me looking into his eyes and behind those eyes seeing just emptiness.
It is also a look of someone who is totally drunk/wasted.
It is also a look which I believe that...
Nice people - red flag
Posted on February 27th, 2017
People behaving purposefully nice, and not because they are your friends or they are or want to be on a date with you. Red flag, freaking red flag. Can happen for example at work. So difficult to notice, just like ass licking is hard to notice when it ...
What it means to freak out
Posted on February 26th, 2017
For a great amount of time I thought that beating my borderline would be to learn to not freak out despite of unpleasant emotions. And this is what I often read online, that borderline is about feeling emotions too strongly in comparison to a regular p...
It's not only about what resonates with you
Posted on February 24th, 2017
How do I keep on being attracted to the wrong people?
I get attracted to the people that I resonate with, and I think that this is something normal. But maybe I should really start paying attention to what exactly it is inside me that resonates with o...
Observing children
Posted on February 22nd, 2017
Observing families with children often makes me pissed. I was often wondering why. Especially those moments when the kid is crying, shouting, hitting, pulling, and their parents just do nothing. I have always felt like I want to go to them and start sh...
Calmness
Posted on February 21st, 2017
What is really amazing is that recently it started happening1 to me that
I get moments of feeling calmness that comes from inside of me.
And this feeling does not compare to anything else that I have experienced so far. This is the calmness I felt whe...
Why does this always happen to me
Posted on February 21st, 2017
Why does the same shit happen to me over and over again?! I started to honestly ask this myself a few years ago. I kind of regret that I have not met a person as wise as me now, who would have given me the answer and explanation that I now think that h...
Emotional Freedom Techniques EFT - my beginnings
Posted on February 20th, 2017
I found out about it only recently - methods how to release emotions that we have the tendency to suppress, and this suppressing is creating situations in our lives that constantly bring those negative emotions back. Acting the emotion out is also a fo...
Smoking and emotional instability
Posted on February 19th, 2017
I have often read that smoking is bad for someone with borderline, just like any addictive drugs, as they apparently increase emotional instability. But at the same time smoking was such a reliable way of calming down. I even started asking myself if i...
The wrong way of teaching your children to behave
Posted on February 10th, 2017
I just realized what effects the efforts of my mother
can have on the emotional development of the child that she has been raising. I saw her interact with a 5 year old child of my cousin. The kid had been crying so loud that we could not continue ou...
The (misunderstood) purpose of life
Posted on February 9th, 2017
I remember this confrontation I experienced once, when someone told me that their goal in life was to be happy. I was angry at them. So selfish, I thought. My only purpose has always been to make other people happy.
Over time I learned that it was me ...
Thinking without words
Posted on February 5th, 2017
I often hear or read about taking care of the tone of voice which we use to think our thoughts in our head.
Makes a lot of sense, but there is one problem for me with that - I do not use words or sentences when I think, I do not use speech. I remember...
How I saw my brain working
Posted on February 5th, 2017
I just want to describe an experience I had once after smoking weed a few years ago. I do not smoke it regularily and that was one of very few times I did it. I was in a very relaxed and happy state back then, also just last days of a long spiritual tr...
Moving on
Posted on February 5th, 2017
Moving on after a breakup - I realised I am not able to do it. All I can do, and have been doing till now, is to convert the affection into hatred. Both self-hatred and hatred towards that person. I can only manipulate the ratio. That is the closest to...
'Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder' by Marsha Linehan (parts)
Posted on February 2nd, 2017
I got to this book after getting to my first borderline therapy. I borrowed it from my psychoteraphist.
What I found really, but really relieving in this book was the chapter for the therapist that was trying to explain how it feels to have borderline....
Alcohol and getting better
Posted on February 2nd, 2017
A month ago I would not believe I could be writing that, but I realised that alcohol is bad for my emotional recovery.
I am already biased enough with all my past negative experiences that sit in my subconsciousness, and descreasing the activity of pr...
My origins of loneliness
Posted on February 2nd, 2017
Maybe because all those Vipassana and thinking about myself and then questioning each baseline feeling that I have about myself I got to another realisation. Yes, indeed there is some kind of white background noise that I normally do not realise, but t...
'Mindsight' by Daniel Siegel
Posted on February 1st, 2017
That was the first book that I read that sparked some kind of light on my own mental and emotional experience. That was the book that really gave me hope that a change is in fact possible. With a simple statement:
Thinking certain thoughts does change...
Loving in order not to hate
Posted on February 1st, 2017
I have just observed something in retrospective. One day when someone ostentatiously entered the office at work I have been woken up from what I was doing by the flow of negative emotion. That emotion was that I was being annoyed. I looked up and my fi...
Vipassana
Posted on January 23rd, 2017
Vipassana mediation is a technique discovered by Buddha. I understand it as a way of deep self discovery on a subconscious level. There are 10 day rigorous courses all over the world when one can learn it. I have just completed one. I will not write th...
Denial, and denial of denial
Posted on December 25th, 2016
Okay, so here I am, guilty of that. The blind spot. I just read an interesting sentence that went something like that:
When you live in denial you build up pressure which will have to blow up eventually, and then you will have to face what you have be...
Responsibility for your pain
Posted on December 25th, 2016
What I read all over and over again:
You have to take responsibility for your pain.
It did sound a bit abstract to me at the beginning, but after thinking about it for some weeks I think my perspective changed. It did not make me feel better, but the...
Home
Posted on December 18th, 2016
Visiting home for Christmas after my sister has moved out. Everything is even more clear than before. It is a highly dysfunctional, not to say toxic environment. And I had to grow up, learn about life and love here. Not only that, being the oldest sibl...
Codependency - thoughts
Posted on December 15th, 2016
I have been recently thinking that it actually does make a lot of sense that I was happier in Finland. Then I lived 7km by bike in -10 to -30 degrees Celsius from anyone, so it was easy to say "sorry I will not make it I'm not feeling fit enough". The...
