Metallica and CPTSD
Posted on June 14th, 2017
The lyrics of Metallica have a lot to do with CPTSD in the end. Dirty Window, Invisible Kid, even Prince Charming or King Nothing. The Day That Never Comes is about PTSD. No wonder I love them. No wonder they speak to me and to so many people.
I got i...
Health problems and codependency
Posted on June 8th, 2017
Have not written anything for a while. Life does not look that motivating when knee problems hold you back. I think that the knee situation is in addition emotionally very triggering to me, because it's analogical to a part of my codependency problem -...
How the past gets carved into us
Posted on June 4th, 2017
Imagine that you were an archeologist examining a site close to the place where you grew up or where your parents grew up. Imagine you find a thousand years old sheet of paper and on that site of paper you see your own damn handwriting and drawings dep...
Sliding
Posted on May 31st, 2017
In moments like now.. very down. I'm thinking that I am so alone that it's almost incomprehensible. And it is very hard indeed to give support or self-compassion to myself. All I can feel towards myself is disgust. Me is this stupid little thing runnin...
I like the smell of car oil
Posted on May 28th, 2017
I like the smell of car oil. It makes me feel alive. I also like the smell of freshly cut wood. And also the autumn and the smell of apples and burned leaves - then I feel I belong.
And I like the sound of thunders. Thunderstorms make me feel like not...
Distance relationship
Posted on May 28th, 2017
I've always dreamt of a successful distant one. I even thought it would be great to have children in this manner - me in Europe, he in Asia, Africa, South America, whatever.. Meeting three times per year for an awesome sex in a limited frame of intimac...
Why do we attract toxic relationships
Posted on May 26th, 2017
Why do we attract toxic relationships - because we want someone who will love us crazily, more than anything else, and who will not be able to live without us. A normal healthy person does not love in this way. A normal healthy person is with us becaus...
First time among people after a codependent time out
Posted on May 19th, 2017
Shocking. Fascinating. Information overload. So many observations: about myself - my usual reactions vs other reaction possibilities; about others - realising how much information I receive about other people; information that I didn't believe was corr...
Improv 'numbers' exercise
Posted on May 18th, 2017
I have just participated in the following improv theatre exercise: each person secretly gets a random number from 1 to 10, without others knowing it. Then all the people start walking randomly and try to behave according to their number, where 1 is the...
Schema therapy - first impressions
Posted on May 15th, 2017
I think that now I start to get what schema therapy is about.
As an adult I often had that unresolved feeling of wanting someone to have said something in the past. To have said something when I was feeling bad, neglected or ridiculed by my parents. I...
The waking up moment
Posted on May 15th, 2017
Indeed as mentioned in the CPTSD book, I do experience an unpleasant feeling when I wake up. I mean, not only because I have to get up, but I feel as if I did something bad and slightly disappointed that I actually woke up to live one more day. And ind...
'I'll find you'
Posted on May 12th, 2017
Yesterday I have managed to track back the pain that I feel when relationships don't work out, the one about which my friends tell me that I'm hurting far too much and far too long. And yes each time it's the very same acute pain, I just blame differe...
Thought stopping and psychoactive drugs
Posted on May 10th, 2017
It works! The thought stopping of inner critic works! It was enough to read about it in the book and pay more attention to the now consolidated concept of the inner critic. I notice when it's about to speak (basically it's any time I feel bad mood sudd...
Why do women fall for bad boys
Posted on May 9th, 2017
Why do women fall for bad boys? Because they didn't have good fathers.
I have been focusing a lot on mindfulness recently and all I write below is not backed up by any research, psychological theory or any important name - it is coming solely from my...
The fear of things being better
Posted on May 9th, 2017
Oh this is so primal that I have not seen it before, but indeed what hinders me from taking action to make my life better is the fear of things becoming better.
It's the phenomena I have often read about but now I have to say that not only I understan...
Self compassion - maybe getting there
Posted on May 8th, 2017
Today it strucked me: as a toddler - sitting alone in my room, because I'm a low maintenance child. In kindergarten playing alone because I was too traumatized to risk initiating a contact with another child, and no adult gave a shit about noticing me ...
Inner critic vs inner terrorist
Posted on May 8th, 2017
Regarding the CPTSD Pete Walker's book, and the inner critic: I think that in some situations what I experience is more like an inner terrorist. It's not saying "you're useless, you should die", it's rather saying "and now I'm gonna kill you" with a ma...
Improv theater therapy
Posted on May 7th, 2017
I think I'll stick to the terminology from the Pete Walker's book. I think participating in improv theater helps enormously to shrink the inner critic.
According to the book, the inner critic is the internal voice (or feeling in my case), saying how ...
'Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving' by Pete Walker
Posted on May 7th, 2017
This book is absolutely brilliant. It is packed with information. It takes an alternative view to DSM-like categorisation of personality disorders: instead of categorising of what is wrong with whom, it focuses on the real cause of those disorders. It ...
A flashnow
Posted on May 6th, 2017
I recently have moments like this one, moments of glimpses of how the world actually is, of who I actually am. A fraction-of-a-second lasting realisation that world is not a hostile place and most people can be trusted and that life is worth living. A ...
I don't have to trust men
Posted on May 4th, 2017
I have recently heard that in a self recovery process it is very important to take small steps, such steps that are not too big for the child within that is scared and having great difficulty trusting, as it may get scared. Being too ambitious can lead...
How to identify what a bodily sensation means
Posted on May 4th, 2017
I had a therapeutic a session with a wise Polish woman and she gave me this amazing tool: how to find out what a certain body sensation means:
relax, feel your breathdo the body scanfeel the sensationlet your body position itself in a way that follows ...
The analogy between business and emotional life
Posted on May 4th, 2017
Sometimes I wonder if making such analogy between business and emotional life could be helpful for other people too. I found that sometimes it is helpful to translate emotional problems to business problems, solve those problems on professional level, ...
The child observation test
Posted on May 2nd, 2017
I really wonder how much could a simple technique of watching a little child interact with their parents in a healthy way serve as a therapeutic method. I've been doing that with the same baby girl over a few years now, and have just seen her again. Th...
The origins of suicidal ideation
Posted on May 2nd, 2017
The topic of CPTSD turns out to be very fertile when it comes to new discoveries. I have for example just learned where the since-always-present relieving idea of killing myself came from. It's actually a result of feeling so terrible and shitty as a t...
Pain
Posted on May 1st, 2017
It's getting so clear for me: what I feel and what I think (even without words) during an emotional flashback, and where exactly it comes from childhood. I can decompose it, deconstruct it, analyse it, but I can't change it.
It's feelings of shame and...
Language as a CPTSD trigger
Posted on April 29th, 2017
I just realized why I feel so bad and trapped when I'm in Poland. The whole language and the manner of speaking is a CPTSD trigger for me. That's why I also avoid Polish people abroad. I used to think that our culture is simply toxic, but now I think i...
Snow in April and Christmas songs in summer
Posted on April 28th, 2017
I have been recently reading about NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming). I won't describe it here, but it is super interesting and scary concept, one of mind blowing things about the brain. In this post I want to address two things that refer to what is ...
A slut
Posted on April 27th, 2017
Oh crap. It finally got to me. The split in how I see myself, the split between me-angel and me-slut. It's one-to-one fit to the narcissist's view of women!
Conditioned by my father, the society, and then consecutive jerks, I have been trying to estab...
Bodily pain sensation
Posted on April 26th, 2017
I've been paying attention to my body sensations, and now I can actually clearly feel it: my whole body is aching inside. It's almost a physical feeling. It feels as if someone poured acid inside me and now it is spreading very slowly.
I had a relatio...
