Why people react with irrational emotions
Posted on May 8th, 2018
Cecilia just got quite emotionally destroyed. The guy she's been dating for a month now didn't reply her text message for one hour. Her friends are quite concerned about her and tell her that she's being too controlling, too clingy and too desperate to...
No need to belong
Posted on May 6th, 2018
I know why I feel anger when I see other people wanting to belong to a group. And why I feel anger when I hear I should want to belong in Germany. I have never managed to win my parents approval and to feel I belong in my own home. I have learned that ...
Breaking the journaling routine
Posted on May 6th, 2018
I have been writing this blog for more than a year now. I put here all my discoveries or weird emotional experiences on a foggy way to something I at the time thought was recovery from CPTSD. I made however a major mistake: I gave the blog's address to...
Why do we meet our past selves
Posted on April 20th, 2018
I meet a new person and only later I realise that they act in a way that really annoys or hurts me. Or more specifically, I meet a person who's at the same dead end point that I've been in the past.
And yes, my first reaction was frustration: why does...
Sensitive to criticism
Posted on April 17th, 2018
It's really screwed up how in my world everything is upside down. I've always thought I wasn't sensitive to criticism but it turns out I am. Okay that makes sense at least, together with the borderline. But I'm not sensitive in the way that most people...
Feeling that people have bad intentions towards me
Posted on April 16th, 2018
Okay, in the last year I've done a lot of work in the direction of knowing my emotions and trusting them, but here I am kind of sure that I'm having some cognitive filter: it the last days, after having received some criticism, I see people as being un...
Emotional flashback: humiliation with no voice to defend myself
Posted on April 16th, 2018
Just recently a situation happened that very well resembled a traumatic situation from my childhood. I wasn't aware how traumatic it was until now. Someone wanted to help me and instead humiliated me: both back then and yesterday. As it often is with e...
To the guy who danced with me in the club
Posted on April 13th, 2018
No, you openly trying to impress your male friends by dancing with me does not impress me. For the four songs that we danced together the only topic you found was my level of German - the deepness and uniqueness of this conversation does not impress me...
Codependency is running (and ruining) my life!
Posted on April 1st, 2018
I have just come back from an unsuccessful skiing attempt. I couldn't do it. It was too hot and my jacket was too thick, I was boiling. I came back extremely angry that I couldn't go earlier, as I planned, when the weather was cooler, because a friend ...
How we don't realise our childhoods affect us
Posted on March 28th, 2018
This moment when you tell your best friend about something you're excited about and you realize your voice sounds stupid. That frustration when it seems that the other person is just not willing to understand you when you try your best. That moment whe...
Parent's voices
Posted on March 26th, 2018
They say that the critical voices we hear in our heads come from our primary caregivers, and that those voices actually are what they've been telling us when we were really small. I don't normally use words to think (I don't use images either, and yes ...
I don't believe that people are authentic
Posted on March 13th, 2018
That realization somehow came up in a therapeutic session. The therapist said that they cared about me, and I just could not hold it in and I said that she didn't have to lie. I said I knew what this was about, that I was paying money and she was sayin...
My theory of why we dream
Posted on March 4th, 2018
Why we dream? I think I got it just now.
I've been doing quite of therapy and self analysis in the last months, and actually managed to change some of negative beliefs that were holding me back in my life. I've been comparing this feeling of bending m...
'I love you no matter what'
Posted on February 15th, 2018
That toxic feeling of "I love you no matter what", I finally get what that is!
It's connected to a feeling that I started to have more of recently, and which I always have more of when I'm not being invested in someone else's life: being weird and not...
I have been taking over other people's emotions!
Posted on February 15th, 2018
Being raised in a toxic home I became super sensitive to what people around me feel, and almost I would know what they think. But I never got the concept of separateness, so I would take those feelings and thoughts as my own.
Now it is so clear that t...
The silent inner critic
Posted on February 8th, 2018
So I have it now, in its all power. The inner critic making me feel so bad that I would rather die than continue this. And since I don't think with words I have been trying to give this critic a voice, to make him express himself with words. But I just...
Suicidal thoughts of a borderline
Posted on January 12th, 2018
I remember thinking that I won't be able to take this life as such at one point. That eventually suicide will be the only possible option. I really wanted to die. I thought I was pathetic and useless. And all I can say to that now is: I was right. I wa...
Spontaneous regression
Posted on January 7th, 2018
I have spontaneously regressed to 11 years old me. I am afraid to talk, when asked something I feel panic and the only thing I can say is "I don't know". It feels pretty autistic. I cannot understand a narrative of a text, as if I lost all my linguisti...
Beware of covert communication
Posted on January 1st, 2018
I recently started paying attention to something that I would call covert communication with other people. I start to believe that the occurrence of such communication is itself a red flag which tells that the other person is also personality disordere...
Why I react bad when someone has a crush on me
Posted on December 18th, 2017
Hey this is so obvious why I feel terrible when someone has a crush on me. The obsessive kind of crush where they don't even know me yet, but already assign me characteristics they would like to see in a woman, and create some idealized picture of me....
Session with a Polish coach - permission to be myself
Posted on December 18th, 2017
We spoke about the very often recurring theme in my life that someone is pissed at me because "I dared to be me". I just want to dump the good points she made:
I am talking about myself to upfront expose myself so that I can make sure that I am accept...
Video of 11 year old me singing
Posted on December 10th, 2017
My mum just sent it to me. I showed it to a friend, she said it's cute. She didn't see what I saw. And what I see in this video is frightening. Perhaps remembering that situation influences the fact that I notice what others don't.
First of all I feel...
I cannot get out of my world
Posted on December 5th, 2017
I am in a lot of pain. Someone confronted me with my probably biggest shortcoming about social interactions. I am stuck in my head and in my world. I can't get out of it.
Apart from that person being a total jerk, this point was correct: I do not care...
Feeling stupid and incompetent
Posted on December 2nd, 2017
We've knocked out the a big one on last therapy session: me feeling incompetent and stupid. Why do I do easily feel so, even faced with obvious counterexamples? Well I get it now, and I've even made a link to being chronically late and having extreme r...
Psychological rape
Posted on November 23rd, 2017
Something just occurred to me. The fact that my father was directing all his hate towards women, including his wife, at me, and since I was as old as 5, is a psychological rape. Isn't it? I was put into the context of a woman, and a woman with whom he ...
More of the body
Posted on November 16th, 2017
No it is not about gaining weight. Rather the opposite. Recently I have spontaneous moments of realizing that I have a body. And realizing how it it feels. How it would feel for someone to touch me. How I would look to someone when I am walking. I gues...
Breakdown
Posted on November 11th, 2017
For some reason I just got another breakdown. A long lasting flashback. I am trying to track it back and I remember a moment of thinking "oh, remember the times of freaking out, it was so pleasant to dissociate and put on any mask that I feel like wear...
The next goal
Posted on November 9th, 2017
My next goal: learn to express myself. To say what I mean and mean what I say. I notice that often I have something inside me that I want to express and it just won't come out. And when it does it does not sound like what I wanted to say. It sounds mor...
Underdog is selfish
Posted on November 5th, 2017
I've realised that there's the following false notion as a part of general knowledge:
Only someone who's been pushed around and always had to sacrifice themselves will understand how it feels and therefore be able to have empathy and compassion for ot...
Your suffering doesn't define you
Posted on November 5th, 2017
Few learnings during the last weekend and this is the second one:
Your suffering doesn't define you.
In the past, when someone said to me for example "why are you so not self confident" I have had the following stages of response:
What did they say? ...
