Dramatic emails
Posted on November 2nd, 2017
I took a long message I wrote. Sounded as always dramatic. I removed all "just", "but, "very", "only". Read it again. Sounded authentic.
Loss of meaning in too many emotion manipulating words.
The "but"s point at avoiding responsibility. The "only" a...
How intimacy felt to me before
Posted on October 28th, 2017
I think yesterday I got a glimpse of something very important. This is a result of a follow up process after meeting the right people.
I was looking at myself in the gym's mirror and I felt a familiar disgust. At the same time I had awareness of the g...
Q3 Checkpoint
Posted on October 27th, 2017
What I have learned:I have learned to better distinguish between the three situations:someone's behavior is triggering me - means I have to do some visualization exercise later to find out whysomeone is actively trying to trigger me - means I have to t...
'Yes, and'
Posted on October 23rd, 2017
The art of "yes, and" rather than "yes, but" is actually very difficult. I think that in some cultures this is indeed more pronounced than in others. And what follows probably in some families it is more prevalent than in others. And what follows it's ...
Grateful for the right people
Posted on October 22nd, 2017
I have just spent an awesome weekend with people who I could just talk and talk and I was feeling understood, validated, interested in the topics they were speaking about, and almost re-parented. I spoke with an old married couple and it is unbelievabl...
What you need is what you refrain from the most
Posted on October 21st, 2017
What I'm noticing in the last days is that I've started to do and behave in the ways I used to be repelled by in the past. I got enough flexibility to change my point of view on them and I'm exercising the possibilities of the new ways.
So for example...
Covert-aggressive people
Posted on October 14th, 2017
I have just finished reading a book called "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People" and I learned something very important from it: apart from traumatized people there are also covert-aggressive people who at the first ...
'Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child' by John Bradshaw
Posted on October 12th, 2017
I'm doing the first read just to get a feel (or because of being curious / avoiding the actual work). I promise myself to go back later and do the exercises. The book talks about different stages of child development and how getting stuck in each of th...
Losing a friend?
Posted on October 12th, 2017
Okay I'm not even sure how it happened.
First moment when I felt something was wrong was when I asked my friend if she could bring me water from the shop next door as she was going to buy herself an ice cream right before we would leave and one person...
'Superficially emotional' singers
Posted on October 9th, 2017
Okay so in the end something has changed in the way I perceive other people in comparison to the last year. I wrote before about emotions inside out on stage. I was just watching a concert of Beyoncé on the trip in a TV screen and her making the contac...
Vacation crisis
Posted on October 8th, 2017
Vacation in an amazing place with two best friends and I feel like shit. I wonder if before I learned to observe myself in a non-critical way I would even notice that I feel shitty, ie if I would be able to make such statement or would I just feel shit...
People don't get my jokes!
Posted on September 18th, 2017
I realized I often make self deprecating jokes about myself, and then about the group I'm part of. My goal of such joking is to say something so bizarre that it will force me or us to distance ourselves from the situation - which I find a great way of ...
People saying 'thank you'
Posted on September 17th, 2017
Recently I see the increase in frequency of hearing genuine "thank you" from various people. Thank you for helping me out, for taking your time, for inviting me.. Now when I think about it, it's strange that I didn't hear it before. Or I didn't listen?...
Vipassana 1 day refresher course
Posted on September 17th, 2017
I did just 1 day course as I don't have 10 days that I can take off. It was a lot of effort and travel but.. Damn can't I do what I want?:D
What came up to the surface was little child's sadness out of disappointment and a lot of anger. More or less l...
'Always assume the other person feels insecure about themselves'
Posted on September 15th, 2017
Wow, such an advice. Good to talk to wise and "normal" people sometimes, normal in quotes because who knows what it actually means.
I think it nails many issues I have. I feel so crap about myself that I always see the other person so much better abou...
Movie plots
Posted on September 14th, 2017
Okay there's one thing about me that is quite strange I believe. It's quite difficult for me to follow the plot of a movie (or a book). If I want to enjoy it I can't follow the plot. It's a set of scenes and realizations in my head, and sometimes some ...
Further thoughts on Asperger
Posted on September 11th, 2017
No, it is really a huge difference to be able to know which of my behaviours may be different than regular and when to assert myself and explain what I want rather than thinking that:
it is obviouspeople are just mean to meI am weird and bad person for...
The shitty feeling
Posted on September 10th, 2017
And now about the shitty feeling I mentioned in one of the previous posts - yes I recently realized that it's a very specific feeling and that I have it quite often. It has a lot to do with feeling worthless and disgusting. Big. Old. Not fitting in. ...
Asperger's
Posted on September 9th, 2017
A good old friend from childhood who I haven't seen for years since and who has read a lot about Asperger's recently suggested I may have the condition. Of course it may be just an effect of having read too much on the topic and seeing the condition wh...
Is my overreacting my or others' fault
Posted on September 9th, 2017
I'm getting back to the first question about my problems: when I am reacting in a way that looks like overreacting, is it because I'm overreacting or because someone is abusing me? Hey this is such an important question!
In my life I've gone through p...
Bending your mind
Posted on September 4th, 2017
Twist your leg or arm and try to bend it in that twisted position. There is a moment when it feels especially uncomfortable. Not painful really, not even directly wrong, just not right. A bit scary too, as you are asking yourself "am I gonna twist my k...
Not recognising faces
Posted on September 1st, 2017
I think I have an idea why I have always had problem with recognising people's faces. I mean, it is actually quite obvious now when I think about it: I didn't see them as people but objects, entities, bodies.. I mean, how many of us would be able to re...
'Moment of Excellence'
Posted on August 31st, 2017
We had a presentation at work about coaching technique called "Moment of Excellence". It's about remembering vividly a moment from the past when we greatly succeeded at something, next naming our qualities we proved there, then finding an anchor that r...
Reaction at attempts of intimacy
Posted on August 27th, 2017
A father holding baby on his hands smiled widely at me when the child got interested in the sound I was making with my keys. There was something unsettling about his smile. I wanted to slap him. My immediate reaction was "What are your smiling at, you ...
Would you dare?
Posted on August 26th, 2017
If someone told you that you can now describe how you want your life to look like, and whatever you envision would become true. Would you dare doing it? Like, really, not just giving some limited statement like "I want to be rich", no, what if you were...
Ego issues
Posted on August 25th, 2017
Okay so I had a revelation today while playing drums - in my imagination I have my father standing behind me and saying "okayish", "now you screwed up", "ah couldn't you play less boring?!", "it's crucial to keep the rhythm and you can't even do that",...
'You've always seemed so serious to me'
Posted on August 22nd, 2017
Someone I have felt painfully rejected by in the past said it to me recently. And now I got something! Here I wrote about feeling too big as an older sibling. Come on, saying that I am too serious to pleasantly interact with is exactly behaving like my...
Feeding off emotions
Posted on August 19th, 2017
Another narcissistic trait that I have observed in myself: I enjoy seeing people in strong emotional states. Whether the state is positive or negative does not really matter. As long as their emotional state does not put me in danger, of course.
Maybe...
'You have to be special'
Posted on August 18th, 2017
So many little mechanisms in one's head are difficult to identify. I just realised one more: an online course where they say that at the end everyone will get a grade in the Proof of Achievements document. My instant thought went something like that:
...
Work situation analogy
Posted on August 17th, 2017
So I am quite shocked. In a corporate moron world there was one person that actually could think and put their thinking into action and managed to get quite a high position where they can realise the thinking output. It provokes some questions for me:
...
